I cried
The last time I cried was when Charlie died. Charlie wasn't old and hadn't lived with us for very long. Charlie, a Golden Retriever, came to us as a three-month old puppy and then six months later he was dead. Losing a pet who has been part of the family for many years is heart breaking as all pet owners will know. But losing a young dog not yet in the prime of life was a dramatic blow.
Charlie had a good pedigree and had come from a reputable breeder. He had a bright eyes, beautiful soft golden fur and was full of energy and fun. And then suddenly he was no longer with us.
Guilt
My feelings at that time were intense. Guilt. I should have noticed that the signs of his illness were much more serious than I believed. I should have taken him to the vet again. I should have made more effort to get him to take his medicine but the antibiotics seemed to make him sick and I could not get him to swallow them. I had just begun to realize how sick he really was and had phoned the vet for an emergency appointment when with a cough and a shudder he passed away on his bed in the kitchen.
Anger
I was full of anger too. I was of-course angry with myself for not having done more and sooner and possibly saved his life. I was angry with the kennels where he had stayed by a few weeks previously and picked up a chest infection and a cough that we did not take that seriously. I was angry that the vet hadn't been able to cure him when we had asked for some medicine for his cough. I was angry with the Breeders of the dog who had not seen that he had a congenital weakness in his heart.
The views of others
There was a sharp polarization in the attitude of others at this time. There were those who didn't understand and whose words rubbed salt into the wounds. Perhaps those who have never owned a dog can't see the harm in saying “Don't worry. You can soon get another one”, not realizing that you are mourning the loss of an individual and not just some generalized animal called the dog. Or perhaps those who joked "You don't have much luck with animals do you" and thought we would appreciate the joke. On the other hand there are those who understand and we were very touched to received bereavement cards specially printed for those who have lost an animal member of their household
No grave
Charlie does not have a grave. We took him to the vet to confirm that he was dead though the limp heavy weight in the bed really left no doubt in our minds. The vet promised to send his body to the animal crematorium and that his ashes would be scattered in a quiet country garden. Perhaps I would have liked a grave to visit. We have instead an enlargement of the last picture taken of Charlie hanging on the wall. It brings both the joy of remembering the good times we had together and sadness that he is no longer here when we look at it. But we can now look on the picture without pain.
Happy ending
There is a happy ending. Three months are almost to the day since Charlie died we received a phone call asking if we could give a home to the West Highland White Terrier and so a new dog came into our lives. Three months was enough time to prepare ourselves for a new dog and she could enter the house without the ghost of Charlie haunting every corner. And the fun we have with her, and I hope will continue to have with her for many years to come, helps to heal the hurt and the hole left by that young life cut so tragically short.
