How to Speak Goose Like a Native

A long while back I wrote an article titled, "how to speak duck like a native". I figured it was high-time for a sequel to that masterpiece, (I say that with a smirk) so here it is. The fact is, all animals have a language of sorts, and they all have the brains to figure out what they are saying to each other too. It is only us humans who have difficulty comprehending what the animals are trying to tell us. And we are supposed to be the more intelligent species? As a farmer who raises geese, I am here to tell you that geese do communicate if we can get past their 9,000 decibel screaming.

Yes, geese are noisy, yet compared to a passenger airliner they are relatively.....noisy. Yet geese are also considered to be among the smartest of all birds. As startling as it may seem, that comment is absolutely true. I have six geese. Two ganders and four geese. This combination will show you that humans are not always so incredibly brilliant. Every farmer worth half his salt knows that you don't keep two ganders because male geese tend to get 'tude all over each other. They basically grab each other by the neck and beat each other half to death with their wings. This is known in the gander community as "male bonding".

A goose's favorite phrase is, "I told you so." They tend to be the bullies of the barnyard, doing their very best to keep the rest of the bird flock on the moral up-and-up. Show a goose a drake trying to mate with a duck, and that goose will do his or her utmost to break up this "unnatural" act. Geese tend to be rather selective with their punishments as well, usually biting the poor female duck for the terrible crime of being the submissive partner. This punishment usually includes several minutes of extremely loud lecturing of the type that most teenagers receive from their parents before they start to date...you know, THAT talk.

Geese also understand people talk and will obey human commands eagerly and willingly. When one of the ganders was still quite young, I noticed that he was not filling out very well and I told him to go eat. That gander never hesitated. He hustled right over to the feed bin and started gulping down grain. Today he's pleasantly plump, and I've never again had to tell him to eat. Well, after all he is a guy you know. The way to a guy's heart.....you know that story. The only trouble with this communication thing, is that it only works one way. Geese are perfectly willing to learn your language, but you had better not try speaking theirs.

I like to imitate the sounds the birds make, and with quail this is fun because they will answer you back, until it sounds like choir practice. Imitate the quack of a duck and she will cock her head and stare at you like you're Elvis, as if she never imagined you were bi-lingual. Do this with a goose however, and prepare to go deaf. They will scream, they will put their chins right on the dirt, (long necks you know) ruffle their wings, make every feather on their backs stand straight up in the air, and effectively drown you out. Apparently, goose talk is more complex than duck or quail and you are calling them a lot of bad names. You may as well give it up right now because they know a few million bad words too and they're not afraid to use them.

When a very tall gander slowly and gracefully bows his neck nearly to the ground, this means one of two things. If they are doing it to you and you have just given them something tasty to eat, they are saying thank you. This is a physical show of gratitude. If the same gander is doing this and a tiny call duck is puttering past, he is quite obviously saying, "oh, excuse me. I didn't see you down there....pipsqueak." Since that particular breed of duck is so tiny that it does not even reach the gander's belly, the first time a gander sees one of these little duckies he will more than likely try to get his face right down there to the call duck's level as if to ask the duck, "what in tarnation are you, a wind-up toy?"

Geese are extremely intolerant of most other ideas and suggestions. Though they will obey humans, they will not tolerate any birds smaller than themselves telling them what to do. Verbally, geese are nothing to mess with but if a little mischievous mallard should happen to decide it would be fun to bite a goose, she will do so and without any retaliation. Geese will not pick on birds smaller than themselves, even when the smaller bird has it coming. In other words, with geese their bark is worse than their bite. Geese are physically capable of biting through galvanized metal, yet they are very gentle when dealing with other birds or with their human handlers. They do not bite off the hand that feeds them.

Geese make many different sounds when they communicate. The bonafide hullabaloo is only one of the sounds they are capable of making. They also bark, which is a sharp, gutteral, low pitched gulping sound which apparently is slightly less profane than some of the things they say because when I imitate that sound they merely jump back and look at me in stunned silence. Then they grumble under their breaths, clearly upset with me but unable to figure out why. They also honk and there are multiple variations of the honk. Nobody honks quite like a Canadian Honker, but a Brown Chinese with a Bronx accent, can create the second best honk that comes out, "hoink."

The honk, or hoink if you prefer, is the goose equivalent of, "hey, how's it going?" This is not an angry sound and is usually reserved for other geese. One honk creates other honks until a rousing honker party is going on, that usually ends up as a bonafide hullabaloo. Of course, the fastest possible way to create this hullabaloo is to start imitating goose sounds. No matter how loud you get you will not be able to hear yourself think, if you can still think by that time. Yes, geese are talkers, especially the Chinese breeds, who are the consumate gossips of the bird family.

There. Now you know how to speak goose like a native, but please don't try it in mixed company. Your parakeet might find you amusing, but the average goose will verbally stomp you flatter than the proverbial pancake. It is best to simply remain una-lingual and try not to offend the easily offended. Your geese will love you for it.