A wife and mother knows exactly what it is like to be caught in the middle of the husband and child/children when there is a disagreement. Many times women are the natural peacemakers, although it is possible to be in the same position and be male. Mothers usually want their children to be loved and accepted, especially by their fathers.
Being caught in the middle can be extremely stressful for a woman. The position of having to understand both sides of the story and of having to comfort both sides that are at odds is one of great discomfort. It creates frustration on the part of the peacemaker as well as on the part of those who are in disagreement.
Health Risks of the Peacemaker
The peacemaker in the family faces health risks as much as the ones she is protecting or trying to comfort. Women feel torn between their loyalties to their husbands and their instinct to save their children from a threatening situation. Sometimes this creates so much tension it will result in a build-up of resentments that ultimately destroys either the marriage or the relationship with the children. The tension can cause headaches, migraines, ulcers, hives, depression, and a weakened immune system.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking the cycle of being the rescuer may be a matter of life and death for the women who are in the habit of being caught in the middle. There are a few who actually thrive on the drama. But most women want the inner peace of living with as little in-family drama as possible. Breaking the cycle must start with an assessment of the situation.
What Questions Should the Woman Ask?
The first question a woman should ask herself is how crucial it is that she intervenes. What is the worst that could happen if she left the persons involved to their own ways of settling the problem? How can she teach them to settle their own disagreements? Should they just agree to disagree? Is the situation a life-threatening one? Do they argue because they know she will intervene?
Remain Positive
Many times if the woman has a positive attitude and expresses belief that the parties involved in the dispute are fully capable of reaching an understanding, the father and child/children will begin to learn to have faith in their own abilities. If the worse that could happen is that they would stay mad longer, maybe they just need to be allowed to work through their anger. It isn't wrong to be angry. Anger is a natural emotion and can be quite helpful at times. What is done about the anger is what is important.
Settling Disagreements
Sometimes teaching a husband and children to settle their own disagreements may be a matter of compromise. First, they need time and a positive way to calm down, which could mean a period of separation. Once they have had time to settle down, they must learn to listen - really listen - to each other. As the one who is caught in the middle, the woman already knows how to listen. It is important that each person involved in the disagreement keep an open mind and try to see the situation from the other point of view. The person doing the talking must also refrain from accusing and must exercise restraint of the emotions. Yelling and cursing will not be received with welcome.
Agreeing to Disagree
If a compromise cannot be reached, the woman must teach the husband and children to agree to disagree. This in itself is a form of compromise. Sometimes there just is no middle ground in a disagreement. Learning to agree to disagree may also mean learning to avoid the subject that caused the disagreement.
Expecting the Woman in the Middle to Save the Day
If the situation in question is causing someone to act or react destructively, it is better for the wife and mother to save the day. Sometimes arguments between a father and child/children can escalate to dangerous proportions. When someone's life or health is in danger or if the consequences of the argument will put the person's life or health in danger, the woman in the middle should definitely intervene. If a professional is required to handle the situation, her intervention may be a matter of calling in higher forces.
Spoiled Families
A spoiled family will expect the mother to intervene. If she has always been the one caught in the middle, it is just a matter of breaking the habit. Yes, breaking habits can be hard. The family who are spoiled to this will definitely resist taking matters into their own hands. Many arguments are started only because the parties involved know there is an audience. That may mean a family member, in this case the woman, who will step in and either take sides or will settle their battles for them. The husband or children may be bringing up uncomfortable subjects only because they know their rescuer will step in to save the day.
Demand Respect
Women caught in the middle must demand respect both from themselves and from the family members who are trying to put them in the middle of a disagreement. The women must take a stand and stick to it. It does require effort, but the results can be well-worth the effort and patience required. If the woman does not respect herself, neither will her family respect her.
