My kid came home from Field Day at school with an award.
Me: Whatcha have there bud?
Kid: A ribbon
Me: Awesome. What event did you win?
Kid: None. It's all teams.
Me: So your team won?
Kid: No, we lost.
Me: Ok. So why did you get the ribbon?
Kid: Everyone got one.
Me: That's cool. What did the winners get?
Kid: A ribbon.
Me: Same ribbon?
Kid: Yeah. I'm hungry. Can we go to Walmart? Can I play on the computer? Will you take us swimming? Jake is pinching me......
What are we doing to our kids? What did he learn from his ribbon?
What he learned was, “just show up and you get rewarded”..
When our kids are involved, our society tries to not differentiate from the winners and losers so everyone feels good about themselves.
It doesn't work.
Do you think the kids don't know who won and who lost just because you gave everyone a colored ribbon? They know. What they don't know is how they are supposed to behave when they win or when they lose.
Besides, what's so damn wrong with some winning and some losing? Did something change in the real world? Not the one I've been living in. Some people win and some people lose. Depending on how much you're doing of either one, you had better figure out early how to deal with your results. No one is going to give you a ribbon for not making the sale or for blowing the audition or for not getting the job at burger king.
We need to be teaching our kids how to win with grace and humility and how to lose without losing their cool or their confidence. In order to teach them these things we have to let them win, and we have to let them lose.
"But TP, your just being insensitive. Losing will hurt their self esteem."
Totally untrue. If self esteem were results based most of us would have blown our brains out a long time ago. Self esteem is knowing you have value as a human being NO MATTER WHAT. Tell your child that losing is hard, sometimes it even hurts. Tell him he is still a great kid. Tell her that you're going to love her the same whether she wins or loses.
Unfortunately, our children are being taught just the opposite by our media and the advertising that controls it's content and attitude.
The media/marketing machine teaches our kids that if they don't win, and I mean win it ALL, they're a loser. The Patriots were undefeated in the NFL regular season but didn't win the Super Bowl. I heard one commentator say that the Patriots Super Bowl loss made their previous 18 wins in a row meaningless. Susan Lucci was nominated for a Daytime Emmy umpteen years in a row without winning (she finally one one). People actually felt sorry for her. She had fame, adulation and wealth that few ever experience but we were supposed to feel sorry for her as if not winning somehow diminished her talent.
We are telling our kids one thing in school and showing them something just the opposite on TV. It used to be easier because the message was consistent, but now the whole ball of wax is smack dab in the parents lap. Parents not only have to get the message across that winning AND losing are just part of life, they have to teach against conflicting messages from the schools and the media.
Parents have to pay attention. They must look for and point out positive examples. Search through the miasma for positive role models. Most importantly.....BE a positive role model.
Me: Hey bud, want to play Mega Gory Zombie Fighter on the play station?
Kid: Sure. I'm gonna kick your butt.
Me: We'll see. You're good but you're not THAT good.
Kid: Loser does dishes?
Me: You're on, and good luck.
He's going to need it.
