I made a vow to my husband during our wedding day that I'd be with him, onboard or at sea, whether he like it or not. My husband's a seafarer, seaman - as what we've called thousands like him working onboard cargo vessels, passenger/luxury ships.
But two marriage years later, I was boarding a different ship without him - motherhood.
Before that, determined to be with him, I enrolled myself on a Master's degree in Psychology. I was eyeing for a youth counselor position onboard, and one qualification is to at least have a degree in Psychology. I was shooting stars, no that's an understatement, I dived into a mire.
I was a Journalism graduate with only five subjects in Psychology to boot, and had chosen the University of St. Thomas. wherein experienced professors in that field abound. Whenever professors ask what course we took and where, when my turn is up, I automatically knew what their reactions would be, or at least from their lack of it, that I'm in for a huge challenge. I had a rough time, but mind you, passed the subjects with flying colors. I was determined to have that job onboard with my husband.
My plans took a different turn when we mutually decided to have a child.
I haven't given up though. I swore to myself that I'd nurture our child on her first year and insist on being with him.
Surprisingly though, I found myself engrossed with motherhood. My own plans plunged at the back of my head. I couldn't argue with my husband, too, as he pleaded to me to take care our daughter. He reasoned out that at least one of us should be there with the child/ren we'd have. I broke my vow to him the day I conceived on having a child.
And I'm glad I did. But there are times, especially when I do feel thumped from all the problems at home and with the business, that I wished I am with him - tackling, meeting, and dealing with these problems together.
I have my hands full with Marela. The very day I saw my daughter for the first time, I knew that I had to really be there for her, and that I fell in love with her all the more when she got out and I could hold her. She's such a beauty to behold! God is truly amazing, for He has entrusted me (and my husband, of course) to nurture such a precious creature!
Now, three years old, Ela is such a bubbly, active and smart toddler. There are rough days, but the joys of motherhood abound and far outweigh those. I wonder how different she could have grown if both my husband and i were working abroad and neither one of us is looking out for her.
Motherhood is a whole new experience I can't wait to explore, as it is in reality taxing, but above all, believe you must, rewarding. All mothers say that, because it's the plain and simple truth. It's a 24/7 job at home, no benefits except for the many hugs and kisses, and "a bu" (i love you) she expresses the entire day. She is my boss at home, for whatever she needs, I comply - that is, if she uses the word "please" with her instructions and pleadings.
I feel guilty whenever I thought about leaving her to have an 8-5 job outside. At the same time, I'm haunted by thoughts as to how others - the society at large - look at or down, I should say, on stay-at-home moms, or housewives as they simply call us. I myself, am guilty with this sometimes, as I look back at my previous jobs as a professional writer.
Yet, Marela would land me back into reality. I have to be there for her all the time. No offense to those career moms who could juggle up their own professions and still spend an ample time with their kids. I even salute them!
I, on the other hand, decided to be there and here for my daughter. That's where my joy is in the midst of uncertainties in our world and in my mind. What the mind can do to confuse us sometimes of our priorities, and our commitment amongst ourselves and to God to raise a family. It is that one commitment to Him - to nurture Ela and eventually lead her to Christ - that I am and should be more concerned of more than my own.
I am glad that God has put me where I am today - where Ela is, there I am. This is a work in progress, a learning experience, but an exciting journey to trek, for God never withholds joy to His children, and in this case, to His children's children.
I still day-dream about taking a job, but that's all there is to it. My true dream right now is, to see Ela at her best, and yes, at her worst, too, with me.
