Add up growing unemployment, the increasing difficulty in obtaining a home mortgage, and soaring gas prices. The result? Your grown children may be having a rough time making it out in the world on their own.
Don't be surprised if your “empty nest” is soon no longer empty. And if you had dreams of finally being free of parenting responsibilities and relishing your privacy, you might find your “nest” unexpectedly crowded.
Back in l970, less than eight percent of adult children between the ages of 25 to 34 lived with parents. But in the 21st century, more and more older couples are finding their home is once again home to their kids who are moving back in droves. Not only is freedom gone but also the privacy, and lowered living expenses they had expected to enjoy when their grown kids were old enough to have their own apartments or buy their own houses.
In fact, starting in the l980s, an increasing number of adult children over the age of 18 began “boomeranging” from their independent living right back into their parents' homes and by 2000 about 10.5 percent of young adults ages 25 to 34 were living with their parents. And now more recent census figures show that more than 80 million parents who would be expected to be empty nesters actually have at least one grown child living at home. With the current economic downturn, those figures will no doubt increase.
What's driving adult kids back home? There are a host of reasons including not being able to find a job, wanting to pursue graduate studies without the added pressure of having to work and pay for an apartment and health problems (including drug and alcohol addictions). Let's face it: There are also many protective baby boomer parents who encourage their grown kids to remain at home and follow their creative or educational dreams instead of the corporate path.
Researchers say financial pressures are at the top of the list for the boomerang phenomenon and money woes, including being in credit card and other debt, are the primary reason grown children return to the nest. Going through a divorce can create financial hardships and childcare woes that can be eased by returning to the family home. Of course, adult children may move back into the family home to aid aging parents who have health and/or financial needs.
The Good, the Bad, and Avoiding the Ugly
If your grown kids do return home, here are some conditions that can predict a successful boomerang living arrangement:
The boomerang adult child contributes to the household in a tangible way, through housework, money or both.
The adult child has a good relationship with his or her mom. (The relationship with a father isn't as strong a predictor for a happy “re-filled” nest, behavior experts say.)
The parents have been married for many years. On the other hand, tensions may increase if a stepparent is on the scene.
The parents see a true need to help their grown children, due to their kids' financial, marital, or other problems.
The move back home is a temporary one.
Here's an important point to remember: work out a time limit for the living arrangement before your grown children have already physically moved into your home. You can always renegotiate later on, but leaving the living situation open ended can lead to misunderstandings and hard feelings if the time comes you truly do want - and need - your nest to be empty again.
It is also vitally important to spell out these specific expectations about your boomerang kids' living arrangements with you. For example, are they to pay rent? How much? Are they paying for their food? What about utilities? And what chores are they expected to do around the house?
Don't forget to come to an agreement on house rules, too. For example, is smoking allowed in your house? Can your grown children have guests in your house? What about sleep over guests of the opposite sex?
Here's a hint to avoid a family battle over details of living together as adults: consider drafting a brief "contract” outlining the conditions that must be met in order for your grown child to live in the family home. Have your son or daughter sign it to show they agree to your terms and let them know if they can't abide by the rules, they will need to find another place to live.
Bottom line: Remember to treat your boomerang kids as adults. Making life easier on grown kids who live at home by doing their laundry, cleaning their rooms, etc. can hurt them in the long run by delaying their transition into responsible, independent adulthood.
