Well, as I am now THE official blogger for Montana Mamas (applause please and thank you) I have decided that I will intersperse my humorous recollections and observations about marriage and child rearing with (somewhat) serious topics that you may want to know about. These clearly reflect my opinion, but please know that I will have spent significant time researching and forming a solid opinion on which to base my, well, I guess we can call it advice? Admonitions? Beseechings? Ramblings? Well, a rose with any other name and all that...
So, I have decided that my first blog of import will deal with the issue of spanking, because we, as moms especially, are hearing some conflicting attitudes about this very important subject. We hear the loud booming voice of "NO SPANKING EVER" from obviously well intentioned people who are sincerely concerned with child welfare (we assume) and then we hear the quiet, unassuming, mousy voice of "maybe if it's used correctly..." that eventually fades off into the distance for fear of being labeled a vicious abuser. What is a mom (or dad) to do? Do we follow the model our own parents used? What if we didn't have an ideal childhood? What if we were abused? Certainly that is not the path to choose. Do we adhere to the "no spanking" dogma as faithfully as we practice our religious faith? Or, do we find a middle ground, somewhere between permissive parenting and making our children go out back to choose their own switch from the willow tree?
I would submit that the best place for most parents and children is somewhere in the no man's land between reporting the neighbor to the police when she swats her toddler's hand away from the hot stove and the mother whose child is running wild and screaming through the restaurant while throwing food in the air because his mom just wants to let him express himself. Neither of these states of being is desirable, so we must fight our way through the muck and mire of "expert" advice and studies, and adopt a parenting style based on our values, beliefs, and how well we know our kids.
If you subscribe to any parenting magazines, websites, or just take your child to the pediatrician, then you have doubtless been bombarded with pamphlets, articles, and finger shaking that "spanking is abuse and breeds violence". Really? Can we not draw a distinction between corporal punishment and physical violence? According to some child psychologists and pediatricians the answer is no. They claim that spanking in any form is abuse, makes the child feel he is "bad", and is a device used only by out-of-control parents for retribution, not correction. Recent studies, however, have shown that spanking, used correctly by loving parents as a last resort, is actually an effective tool for raising happy, well behaved and well adjusted children.
The key is to make a hard line distinction between violence and spanking as punishment. Violence is clearly abuse, and this can come in many forms, including physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Abuse is used to humiliate, injure, inject fear, and otherwise physically and emotionally scar a child. Abuse is done out of anger, and with a desire to make it known that the big and strong can and will overpower the small and weak through use of force. Spanking, on the other hand, is used as a last resort, and is done at a time when the parent is calm and rational. It is not done out of anger, and it is not done excessively. The parent makes sure the child understands the reason for the spanking, and that the spanking is a result of forewarnings to cease poor behavior that went unheeded by the child, not because the child is bad, or the parent is seeking revenge.
But why would I hit my child to teach him hitting is wrong? This is a favorite argument among the anti-spanking elite, but it doesn't hold water when put to the test. It simply is not supported by objective evidence, because the studies used to back up this argument do not distinguish appropriate spanking from abuse, i.e. kicking, punching, pinching, beating and the like. The issue is how the spanking is done, not whether or not to do it. The appropriateness is dependent upon the parents' attitude and procedure. Again, when used as a last resort, after redirection, admonishment, time out and warnings have failed, it is an effective tool for correcting behavior. In fact, the warning of a forth coming spanking is usually enough to curb the poor behavior; even if not, it serves as a deterrent in the future.
Furthermore, allegations of future abuse by the adult spanked as a child also do not withstand the litmus test of spanking vs. true abuse. Again, studies and experts who cry foul at all spanking and swear that it causes future abuse do not make any distinction between a beating with a leather belt and a swat on the bottom with a calm and rational hand. The reality is that approximately 80% of parents of pre-schoolers use spanking as a form of discipline, but the incidence of abuse in America is somewhere around 5%. Clearly, parents are able to draw lines that experts refuse to recognize, which begs the question, is calling spanking abuse merely a propaganda tool?
