We’ve all been there
How many new mum’s and dad’s have sat at the post-natal clinic, amongst groups of parents beaming with pride about their new baby?
It’s a strange situation to be in really. Sitting with people from all walks of life, sharing our stories about how ‘perfect’ our new little one’s are.
My baby’s were different
For me, the pressure that these weekly group meetings put upon me became too much to bear, and I stopped going. The reasons being that I didn’t have that ‘perfect baby’ that everybody else bragged about, but I am sure I was not the only one.
I remember my mum telling a very similar story of similar clinic visits where these groups of women (men didn’t attend things like this in the 70’s) would congregate like a gaggle of geese and coo over one another’s children.
In 30 years things really haven’t changed very much.
Both of my children most certainly did not fit into the text book stereotype of the ‘model’ baby.
First time around I was unfortunate enough to be a single parent, virtually from conception. The looks and glares I received from other parents when I would attend clinics alone made me paranoid to say the least.
Both of my boy’s were born 6 weeks early, and so they were very small. People made assumptions that they were simply underfed, rather than the fact that they were low birth weight. It seemed to be politically correct to have a bonny bouncing baby, both of mine were most certainly not like that.
I found myself sitting in a corner laughing quietly to myself as women proudly boasted that their 4 week old baby would sleep through the night, feed four hourly, and go to sleep without any fuss. Were these women for real?
At 5 months my second son was still feeding 3 hourly at night, would not go in his cot unless he had been rocked to sleep first, and his general sleeping and feeding pattern was all over the place.
I felt like a freak, like I had done something dreadfully wrong to have not perfected the routine that so many other mother’s appeared to have mastered at such an early stage.
Reassurance
My health visitor used to call, asking why I had not attended clinic, I think she thought it was strange that I suddenly stopped going. I myself was a nurse, had a vast knowledge about caring for children, other people’s at least, but just couldn’t master the art with my own.
She came round to see me, she explained that she didn’t want me to feel isolated, and she tried to encourage me back into the groups.
I think she was quite shocked to hear my reasons for no longer wanting to attend and took it upon herself to help me.
She put me in touch with another mum who had given birth to a premature baby. When we met for the first time I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, I wasn’t a freak after all, in fact I was quite normal.
She too struggled to establish a routine, kept herself away from the parent groups because she felt different from the ‘norm’. To hear her explain her problems and worries really was a breath of fresh air.
Misleading
I suppose my biggest mistake as a mum, was to buy the typical ‘parenting’ books we all browse at on the shelves. I was taken in by the whole ‘religion’ of nurturing a perfect baby, and strove to achieve this from day one.
No one prepares you for the culture shock of having an early baby, nor do they tell you that a pattern cannot be achieved at the same rate as having a ‘term’ baby.
When I look at the money spent, and time invested scouring the pages of these books, I realise how easy it is to be sucked in. Many first time mums do not have access to detailed information and advice on parenting, and rely on these books as a bible to being a good parent.
I would never be so naïve as to think that the advice written in these books is always right. After all, what better knowledge or experience do these author’s have, that I myself don’t have as a mum or two, and a nurse?
Advice
On reading this, no doubt there will be a few sighs of relief from many parents who feel exactly as I did.
Being put in touch with a similar minded new mum really did help me overcome my feeling of non-achievement as a mum.
I no longer felt like I was doing everything wrong, in fact I felt like I was probably in a majority, and that all the mum’s and dad’s I have avoided at the clinics, were probably quoting things out of a textbook, and possibly as frustrated and downhearted as I was?
It’s so important to talk. Talk to mums, be honest, if your baby cries for hours on end then tell people, you never know, you may find someone that can offer you a valuable solution that really has worked for them.
Don’t be a slave to societies perception of the perfect parents, and the perfect baby ... There really is no such thing.
