One Saturday morning at my children's bowling league I was amazed when a young teen, decked out in Gothic clothing, face piercings and blue hair, accidentally ran into me and politely said, “Excuse me.” I thanked him as he held the door open for me and marveled at the fact that, while this boy may have looked scary, he had better manners than many of his clean-cut counterparts.
While I questioned this teenager's choice of clothing, I applauded the fact that his parents taught him to be polite. According to a survey in Better Homes and Gardens, teachers with 30 years or more experience find that children today are less respectful and mannerly than children of previous generations. Unfortunately, manners have gone by the wayside as an old-fashioned code of behavior. But since manners go hand-in-hand with respect, it is vital that children learn the basic rules of social living.
According to Peggy Post, co-author of The Gift Of Good Manners: A Parent's Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children, “Manners education is inseparable from the other things a parent or primary caregiver must do to raise a responsible, self-sufficient child. Teaching and modeling good manners are integral to daily family life.” Lori Benjamin, program director for the organization World Class Etiquette agrees. She feels that children who are not equipped with social etiquette are likely to have a difficult time with friends, family and teachers. “When you teach your children manners, you're giving them some lifelong survival skills.”
Good manners include more than the “please” and “thank-you” variety. They include respectful behavior toward others, honesty, respect for other's property, good sportsmanship, table manners and respectful language. All experts agree that these behaviors are, first and foremost, learned by example, so it is important for parents to begin teaching manners by demonstrating manners. You cannot expect your three-year-old to use her napkin at the table if you wipe your face on your sleeve. Likewise, your child is bound to burp out loud in public if you do it at the table at home. Make sure your behavior reflects the behaviors you wish your children to learn.
Another important point in teaching manners is to consider the age and capabilities of the child. You cannot expect a child to behave in certain ways if they are not developmentally capable of it. While a two-year-old may still eat with her fingers or burp loudly in public, a four-year-old should be learning that these aren't accepted behaviors. You begin teaching them the basic behaviors when they are young, and add to them as they grow older and more capable of following them.
Also consider your child's temperament while teaching manners. A quiet, shy child may have more difficulty greeting new people or be shy about saying “thank-you” to strangers. On the other hand, more outgoing, boisterous children may take longer to learn not to blurt out what they are thinking in public. Quietly remind them of the proper etiquette at the moment of the transgression, but do not embarrass them in front of other people by lecturing them loudly. With gentle reminders, they will learn quicker than being embarrassed.
Most children should have an understanding of the most basic manners by the age of five. Saying the words “please”, “thank-you” and “excuse me”, and not interrupting other people while they are talking are fairly easy to teach. Children with even the basics at a young age function much better when they begin school than those who aren't taught them.
Other tips that will help in teaching manners:
- Don't expect perfection all at once. Learning manners is a long process. Work on the basics first, (please, thank-you, etc.), and add new ones slowly. Expecting children to be perfect little ladies and gentleman all at once is too stressful to the child.
- Praise good manners. When your child exhibits good manners on her own, let her know you appreciate her behavior. Praise is one of the best tools in teaching children - they thrive on it.
- Remember to be an example. It is much easier to teach your child manners if you display them yourself. Children grow to emulate their parents. Make sure you are giving them a good example.
- Lapses are expected. As children grow, they sometimes forget to continue the manners they were taught. Teens especially feel it's not cool to display manners. Don't lecture, simply remind them what they've been taught and that you expect the manners to continue. For most kids, manners have become a habit and they easily fall back into them.
Teaching children manners and respect for others can go a long way towards continuing a peaceful society. We may not have control of what the next generation wears, but we can at least be assured that they will be polite.
