Not to long ago my Husband and I were play fighting by the time that things were getting out of hand and I said ouch for the first time our oldest, who is four, was screaming at his little brother to phone 911. We stopped immediately. We sat him down and asked why he thought that his little brother should call 911? In complete innocence he answered with, "Daddy was trying to hurt you. He needs to go to jail." Previously we had explained that bad people who do bad things that are against the law go to jail. Or if someone hurts somebody or tries to hurt somebody that it’s called assault and that they are bad people and go to jail.
Our oldest was crying and hugging me. He wouldn't go to his Dad and that was hurtful but he understood why our boys were afraid to go to him. Well all got calmed down after we explained that we were just play fighting and that his Daddy wasn't actually trying to hurt me. He seemed to wonder about what we were saying and had asked if I got any boo boos and kissed the one on my elbow where I hit the coffee table in our fun. I explained to him that I had started it and that for whatever reason he thought that his dad was really trying to hurt me that he really wasn’t, we were just playing. He still wasn’t that convinced.
At bed time we had allowed him to watch on of the CSI:MIAMI shows with us so that we could show him what we meant. That particular show had men dressed up and hit a few women at a spa and stole nearly everything in money and vehicles. We explained that they were bad and the things that they did were bad. And that the people who work with the police will figure out who they are and the bad guys will go to jail. We also stated that some times accidents happen and although someone gets hurt that doesn’t mean that you have to go to jail over it.
With his brother content that Daddy did not try to hurt me and shouldn't go to jail, our oldest still said that I should send him to jail for a time out. I told him that I was very lucky to have his Daddy and I told him about one of my past relationships. Where the man that I was with did want to hurt me. The man hit my face, and broke some of my bones. I even went to lengths to show him the scar that I have on my leg from that relationship. I explained that his dad didn’t really mean to hurt me it was just an accident. But there are mean people out there that hurt people just because or because hurting people makes them feel good or strong.
I explained that had it not been for his Dad that I might not be here and that neither would our oldest and his brother. That I might have been in heaven instead and he and his brother wouldn’t have been born. His Eyes wide he called out for his dad. When he came in to the room he asked him if he saved me from a really mean man. When my husband said yes and told him the shorted version of what happened to me. He said that he never wanted the boys or myself to be hurt and that even if we are play fighting that we have a secret word that we say to each other if we accidentally get hurt. My four-year-old, burst into tears saying, "I'm sorry Daddy, your moms hero not a bad guy."
We take one serious talk at a time. It's hard sometimes when you know and understand the topic. We covered Physical abuse. We have yet to cover emotional and sexual abuse. Those topics haven't come up yet. When you have experienced the topics, you can explain better because you have things that you could never explain without. The everlasting fears and scars that you were a victim of it. And in the case of this my sons both understand that when their Dad and I fight we never use our fists, if it's to much to handle all at once we walk away to cool down and then we calmly try again to fix things. If we happen to wrestle and play around rough they should not be scared, but to watch at the end. Because their Dad will always help me up and kiss me if I'm hurt. And as soon as one of us says the safety word we stop.
I keep reminding them that we have that safety word just in case we accidentally get hurt which can happen. That helps them but sometimes they yell at us to stop because they can’t tell if we’re playing anymore.
