After the funeral is over and all of the out of town relatives and friends go back home; it's so quiet. You just want everyone to come back, you want things to do and places to go, but there's just a lot of silence. It's really the first time you have to deal with this death as being “fact”. It's real; it's so real that it hurts. Where are the friends who said, “If you need anything, just give me a call” or “I will stop by to check on you tomorrow to see if you need anything”. Not very many come by during that initial first couple of weeks “after”. It's probably the hardest time to take. Within a few short days you've gone from shock and devastation to being bombarded with sympathy cards, food from people you don't even know, one long constant hug from the many people around you and that is all important, but it's also important to be there for that person "left behind" when everyone else leaves.
The truly sad thing is this, there are people who if you were asked, “who is someone that would always be there for you no matter what?” and I'm sure you'd have a quick answer, I always did and then something happens and you actually DO need them there "no matter what" except where are they? The people I would have named as the ones to be there for me during this time, simply weren't. I don't know what it is, is it because people really don't know what to say to you when something like this happens? I mean, sure, you're close friends and I think that is one reason why it makes it so much harder. Their life goes on, they didn't just lose their best friend and how can they even begin to try to understand how you feel? Well, let me give some advice to “friends”.
First and foremost, just say, “I am sorry, this shouldn't have happened.” You know what? That is enough. That one sentence says a lot and as long as your friend knows that even though you might not be able to feel what they're feeling, you can still be compassionate and you can still care about your friend and let her/him know that if the DO need anything, you're there. But the most important thing is, mean it!
I can't tell you how many of my so-called friends are no longer my friends. I don't know what happened, I really don't. They simply stopped coming by after the funeral, no calls, no notes, nothing. It really hurt too after all I just lost a very important person in my life, probably THE most important person and then I end up losing friends too, it's a double loss.
Really appreciate the friends that do stay connected. They will be your life-line to the outside world in months to come when you feel like you simply can't go out anywhere, you don't have the motivation nor the inclination to do anything and it's those friends who are going to push, pull, kidnap you, whatever it takes to get you out in the world again.
