In March 2006 my husband and I received the next blow to our world. He had a deep right sided stroke. His left side is at limited function, and his emotional control is all in a pill bottle since the damage is in that control center of the brain. The doctors blamed stress. His company had no short term disability and by the time the long term disability determination was made, we lost our home, equity and all. We had tried to sell, but that came at the middle of the real estate slump in Virginia and our area was effected badly.
Eviction, moving to a rental far from our home area due to prices, learning to live on disability checks. He can not drive, and while he is fairly functional he is best not left for long periods with no companion, but he is not bad enough to qualify for a home nurse. I am writing and looking for a part time position, but the area we are now in is mainly rural and fairly depressed. We are now over three hours from my mom and her facility but yet the facility seems to think that there is more that I should be doing for her. I pay her bills from her income but I don't visit. I'm told she is depressed and despondent because I am distant and that she is "campaigning" to be moved to a facility closer to me.
Moving her comes from my pocket. There is no help for those expenses. Her income barely covers her room, board and medication at her current location. I am paying for her sundries and necessaries above and beyond, like her clothing and diapers. I am still trying to come to grips with the care she needs as an ill elderly person. Her needs with her being cared for in a Safe Place because she is, still in spite of all the pain, my mother and it is the right thing to do.
The last thing still remains that I have yet to find a way to deal with, and that is my reluctance to be with her because I am not able to handle the recurrent toxic effects of a lifetime of abuse. I am still constantly in fear that I have inherited something that will eventually take my mind from me. I do not have children, partly due, the doctors believe, to the effects of Lupus and partly because at a certain point I began to wonder if I would be able to break the cycle of pain and not abuse as I had been.
What I fear most at this point is that I would not be able to guarantee her safety if, as one facility suggested, I take her back into my home "since she misses me so much and it would cost less". I have not physically injured her, but toward the end of her time living with me I had begun to strike back with words. Is there a perfect solution to all of this? No, there is not. Currently, she is safe and well cared for and I can function. Stalemate, but for now, for right now it works.
