A death of someone close to you--or caring for someone close to you with a terminal illness or a family member who isn't able to care for themselves because of age, etc.--is one of the hardest things to deal with.
Typically, we like to shut the world out and ask why this had to happen. You are not alone if you think that way. It's normal. Dealing with this type of stress is very hard since these things are usually beyond our control or at least that's what it seems like. We feel like the pain will never end.
It doesn't really end, it just gets less painful as time goes by. But no one likes to live in that much pain. Shutting it out is the easiest way around it but then it builds up inside you and when it comes out, it isn't a pleasant sight. On the other hand, you don't want to talk about it because that will cause you to bring it up again and make you seem weak because you couldn't deal with it on your own.
On the outside you smile and go on with your life but inside it feels as if there's a knife in your heart. You want the pain to go away. You try to make it go away but it doesn't. You feel like your only way out is to end your life or cover the pain up with alcohol, drugs and bad relationships. I've lived it, I'm living it. I know how it feels to have that knife in your heart. For me, I'm usually the one who has to keep it all in order. It's not easy. Nowhere near easy. Yet, I can't let it take over me. I have too many responsibilities to see to and there's no time for me to let it take over. Sound familiar to you?
Caring for the terminally ill is not pleasant and no one wants to do it. I've seen people end up in nursing homes or long-term care units in the hospital because it's too stressful for their loved ones to take care of them. When my maternal great-grandmother couldn't take care of herself anymore, we as a family didn't want her to be in a nursing home or long-term care unit.
My oldest brother and his ex-wife were going to be caretakers at home and be paid for it by the state. They weren't very good caretakers so I had to take on the responsibility of caring for her even though they were getting paid for it by the state. I was still in high school. I told my mom that I didn't care if I got in trouble for staying home from school because I was going to do whatever I needed to do at home.
My mom couldn't do a lot at home since she was working two jobs. My grandma had always taken care of us and it was our turn to do the same for her. I helped to give her a bath, change her, help her onto and off of the commode, make her something to eat and just be there for her. It was hard to know that one day I would be making phone calls to the family to let them know she had passed on. I tried not to think about it, I just tried to block it out.
I imagined her seeing me graduate, getting married and having children. I didn't really care about things that I was missing in school or in my life at the time. This was something that I needed to do because no one else was around to do it. I really needed help but we didn't even think of calling a hospice program or anything. We believed that we could do it all by ourselves.
Most families don't go through such extremes as we did but the stress level is almost always at code red at home when caring for a loved one. You need to take a break from it at least once a week, even if it's only for a day or a few hours. If you can afford to, hire a nurse or certified nurse's aide to take care of your loved one. If you can't afford that, see if someone dependable can watch your family member for a few hours while you do something for yourself.
Doing something for yourself is very important. You can't neglect your well being because it will only cause you to become overly stressed and maybe even sick too. It doesn't mean you need to go to a spa for expensive treatments or some other costly thing. It might be going to see a movie, relaxing at the beach or just meditating in a quiet place in a park or botanical garden. It will make you feel refreshed and you will be more energized.
