He strives to gain popularity and respect from my son, and wishes to be seen as a father figure, but is acutely aware that he should not take this away from his ‘real’ father.
I often find myself acting as referee amongst petty rows they have, finding it difficult to remain completely on the fence. Instinctively I need to protect my son, as he is naïve and juvenile, but on the flip side when my son is tormenting my partner deliberately, I also have to ensure he knows he is wrong, but not make it too obvious that I am partially taking my partners side.
The politics of step-parenting really are very complex. Some families sail through the experience without problems, but others continue to fend off family demons that are hell bent on creating issues constantly.
I personally accept that my son will never see my partner as his dad, as he already has a dad. This does however pose further problems since my partner and I have recently had a baby boy together.
I do find my partner being careful all the time, not to appear to be favoring the baby, even though babies need more attention, my older son most certainly craves more attention since the arrival if his brother.
Then there is the issue of different names. When my partner and I marry, us as a couple, and the baby will all have the same surname, which is great, but equally this does pose further issues for my older son, in terms of feeling left out.
As a family we take each day as it comes. The family unit is certainly more united since the new baby came along, but the daily episodes of jealousy do still happen, which we have to accept.
Ideal circumstances
What are these exactly? For every step-family this will always provide a different answer.
For some children they do not know their real mother or father, so the welcome of a step-parent can be nothing but a positive experience.
Other parents remain friends with their ex-partners, thus creating pleasant communication channels for all concerned, these scenarios are however very rare.
When the children grow up and flee the nest, even the most difficult child and step-parent relationship tends to improve. The struggle for attention and popularity on all sides tends to stop, and this is often the topic which creates the tensions in the first place.
My greatest advice to any step-parent is to talk openly as a family. If issues continue to bubble underneath the surface, then they will never improve, and can at times have devastating consequences.
As a mum I have been caught in the crossfire on several occasions, and I just have to enter the battlefield with an open mind. Most arguments and disagreements are forgotten about the very next day, so try not to take things too seriously.
