A unique situation
Becoming a step-parent, or step-child is not something life ever prepares us for. If the situation arises, it is assumed that acceptance of it is automatic, and there is usually very little planning for the event despite the fact that it is lifelong.
It really is a unique situation to be in, and more often than not, the transition and acceptance phase is difficult.
Who is affected the most?
Some might say that children are the greater victims of a step family situation, as often they are young, vulnerable, make superficial judgments, and are naturally loyal to their biological parents.
Children of an age past their teens tend to be far more accepting of change, quite simply because they have a degree of independence, and do not crave the role of their parents so much.
As an adult, taking on the role of step-parent, the biggest task is being accepted, when all the time being compared to the parent who has left. The pressure to perform and in many ways create a seamless replacement of the absent parent is a truly momentous task for anyone.
What are the issues faced?
For the child, the assumption that someone has come along to replace a much loved mum or dad can be difficult ton understand, and accept. Children see things one dimensionally only, and often cannot comprehend that ultimately having two mums, or two dads can actually be a good thing.
To see a parent receiving affection that may not have been witnessed before can create intense jealousy, and a question then arises over ‘pecking order’. The child often sees the new found happiness of their parent as a punishment to them, and at times children blame themselves for the break-up of a relationship, and often wish things to be back the way they were, without understanding fully, the reason for the parental split.
Although they may be consulted, and opinion sought, children are rarely allowed to be involved in final decisions relating to the creation of step-families.
The fact that they have no control over the ultimate decision can often cause frustration, and for some children they may question their parents loyalty to them.
For then new parent, to suddenly be thrown into a family situation, when they may not have experienced it before, is a situation no amount of preparation can make easier.
Being a ‘parent’ is a skill you nurture and develop over many years, and to then be expected to have to cope with this new domestic scenario, is frightening and intimidating for all concerned.
Do we learn from our own experiences?
My parents split when I was a teenager, however neither of them committed to new partners until I had left home, so the domestic step-parent problems were not something I had to contend with.
Having said that, in the case of my mother, I did harbour serious reservations about her partner, the man who became my step-father.
Instinctively I knew this man just wasn’t right for my mum. He was nothing like my dad, the opposite in fact, but there was just a gut feeling I couldn’t shake off.
Instead of being honest with my mum, mainly to spare her feelings, as she was seemingly very happy, I simply kept my opinions to myself, and visited them infrequently.
In hindsight maybe I should have vented my feelings earlier on, as it transpired that the man my mum loved and went on to marry, was in fact living a lie, and had caused them to be virtually bankrupt, my mum had absolutely no idea this deceit was going on behind her back.
To this day I wish I had been braver, but became very childlike in the situation and assumed my opinion would not count.
Three years ago I met my now fiancé, and following a whirlwind romance we were living together in a matter of weeks. At the time I was wrapped up in the emotions that went with having a new partner, and even though I had a five year old son, I indeed acted in a very selfish way.
When I think back to the initial stages of my new relationship, I most certainly put my young son to one side for a time, and was happy that his grandparents were accommodating and allowed me to enjoy my new romance.
Three years on, maybe this has affected him more than I realised. Even though my partner accepted his role as ‘step-father’ well, and with ease, to this day there are still flaws within their relationship.
My partner has no experience of children or parenting at all, so this entire process has been a very steep learning curve for him. He continues to learn daily.
