I don't really remember getting in trouble much as a child. I just knew that all of a sudden, in my teenage years and beyond, my two brother's and my sister were my best friends. I would turn down lunch with my friends to cruise with my sister, and get all dolled up at night to hit the major hot spots with MY BROTHER? How did this come to be?
My mother eventually confessed that she “brainwashed” us into becoming friends. My mother did not have the ideal childhood. Her mother left when she was very young, and she was separated from her sisters and brother for several years. My mother remembers a lot of fighting and instability, and swore she would never allow us to grow up in an even remotely close manner. As we are all happy, healthy adults with families (and of course friends) of our own, it became increasingly interesting to me to find out how my mother had kept all four of us from fighting even through our teen years. She summarized it in five steps.
START FROM BIRTH
When I was fifteen years old, my sister and I attended a basketball game. My parents dropped us off and stated they would be back at 10:00 pm to pick us up. My sister, thirteen years old, decided she was going to spend most of the game outside in the parking lot. Towards the end of the game, I realized I had not seen her for several hours. Frantically I searched under the bleachers, in the restrooms, even outside with no success. She finally walked in at the point where I was completely broken down, inconsolable, and scared.
From birth we were taught to love and appreciate each other. “Where's your brother?” “Is your sister OK?” “How come she's crying?” In reminding our children to look for, tend to, and take care of each other from a young age, it becomes second nature as they grow up. With my twins, every morning I say “Did you say good morning to your sister yet?” Or “Wow, Kaylee looks pretty today doesn't she?” Training our children to be aware of the presence, or lack thereof, of their sibling is important for their relationship and is an important step in safety as well.
IF YOU CAN”T GET ALONG AT HOME, YOU CAN”T GET ALONG WITH YOUR FRIENDS
I remember this step well in my young life. We had a neighbor who would come over to play with my sister and me. Two would team up and pick on the other one. My mother put a stop to this right away. She created a rule, we ALL knew about, which pretty much went “If you can't get along with your sister, you can't get along with your friends.” This meant no:
- Phone calls from friends
- Sleepovers at anyone's house
- Visitors at our house
- Movies with friends
- Shooting baskets
- NOTHING
until we learned to get along at home. I believe more than wanting us to be friends, she wanted us to learn how to work out our problems right away in order to maintain our friendships throughout our lives.
IF YOU CAN'T SHARE IT, WE CAN'T KEEP IT
Anything that caused us to fight was thrown away. It was my mother's belief that any toy, article of clothing, CD, whatever was not worth the hurt it caused if we all started fighting for it. I remember she threw a Cabbage Patch Doll out the window because my sister and I were fighting over who got to give it a pacifier. Sounds harsh. It isn't. It only took a few lost toys before we realized we better solve our problems ourselves, quickly and quietly. We eventually developed ways to share our toys, take turns without frustration, and quickly give up all arguments before we lost the priceless item we began fighting about in the first place.
WORK IT OUT
Tattle tailing was not allowed at my mother's house. I remember telling her once “Kahea is bothering me”. She replied with “And now you're bothering me.” It threw me aback at first, but then I was forced to return to the situation and figure out an amicable agreement, without fighting of course. My mother would always check in on us to make sure we were playing fair, but would always put the ball in our court. Teaching our children to work out their own problems teaches them several things. It teaches them:
- Problem solving tactics
- Patience
- Flexibility
- Self Esteem
- Control over their own lives
Through school and beyond our children will be placed in compromising situations. Having an arsenal of information at their fingertips, through practice at home, will give them the strength and confidence they need to adapt to any situation.
FAMILY TIME
In our home, we ate dinner together EVERY NIGHT. We turned off the TV, prayed over our meal, and talked. My brother Donovan ate really quickly, but as we had to ask to be excused, he was forced to sit and participate in the conversation as long as the rest of us. It was a time where two teenage boys, two preteen girls and their parents could come together as one unit. Share stories, give praise, discuss disappointments. We also had family time before my sister and I went to bed. We were the youngest so before tucking us in, the family would gather in our room and say a prayer, read a book, and provide insight and support into any concerns we had regarding the next day.
Some families are not religious, therefore this time can be spent reading a book, talking about any concerns you may have regarding the next day, i.e. math test, basketball game, etc.
Spending this short amount of time together each day taught us to touch base with each other daily, share our concerns, support each other, etc. It became second nature. Now as adults we call each other every night to talk about our day, share funny stories, or just to say goodnight.
Besides these five steps, the overall component to a healthy, happy family is unconditional, unwavering, undying love and support. These five steps were ways my mother attempted to teach us to get along, care for each other, and work out our problems independently. It worked. My mother was, is, and always will be the rock that holds us all together. We are often times tempted to take on the behaviors of our children. Gossiping, arguing, nagging. My mother NEVER participated in any of those behaviors. I'm twenty eight years old and still can't gossip around my mother. It is important for us to remember our children are watching every move we make. Stand tall, calm, and rational in all situations, and your children will do the same.
HAPPY PARENTING...
