The year I was pregnant with my first child, I discovered a startling fact: people will offer the most unsolicited advice about parenthood. Out shopping, the sales clerk would tell me to expect no sleep. The mother in line behind me at the grocery store reminisced about the activity level of boys. Everywhere I went someone had some tidbit of advice to offer. Family advice far surpassed stranger advice, however. I spent two baby showers listening to personal experiences and recommendations. Some of the insights were welcome and well-intentioned; some were just silly. Some were meaningful, some meaningless. I stored what was useful and heartfelt for my new role as a mom.
When my son came home from the hospital, I walked into the house with him and all advice left me. What I realized was that becoming a parent meant finding your own advice to follow-much of which no one has told you. So consider this non-advice, just what I have learned from my first year of parenthood.
1. You will become fascinated by your child's bodily eliminations.
I never imagined this would be such a central part of parenthood. From the time your bundle of joy arrives, you will be watching the color, amount and number of times your child poops. You will also be cognizant of how much your child pees and how frequently. Bodily eliminations are an important gauge of your child's health. That being said, I never believed I would report to my husband daily on the many facets of my son's poop.
2. You will speak your child's language.
The noises my son makes are one of the rewards of parenthood. From his early sighs of contentment when he ate, to his coos, real “big boy” laughs, to his first sounds, said with force and nuances-all are his first means of expression. What you will notice is that you resort to repeating said sounds, perhaps in an effort to communicate. I find myself conversing with my son in public via raspberries, choruses of “Ba ba ba” and “aboo” and even sticking out my tongue. It makes me feel connected to his world.
3. You will feel frustrated.
This is the one feeling that goes unspoken. I am certain my mother felt frustrated with all three of us; yet she never let it show. There is a misconception that you are bad parent if you feel so frustrated you want to throw your baby out with the bath water. Feeling frustrated is normal. I have had times where I had to put my son in his crib, close the door and take an adult time out. Frustration is understandable:you have had little sleep, no time to yourself, and you have had to adjust your whole lifestyle. In the end what matters is that you acknowledge the frustration, talk about it with other parents, and do not act on it.
4. You will gravitate towards people with children.
I have many different friends in different stages of life. Some are single, some in relationships, some married, some with children of their own. I find that when I meet new people, most often it is because the person has a child and you bond through the trials of parenthood. Of my oldest friends, I find there is an invisible line I have crossed, that those without children have not. The bonds are strong and I love each friend dearly. Yet the white elephant-er, baby-is in the room no matter how much you ignore it. I think the key is to remember those experiences you have shared with your friends and share your new experience as a parent with them.
5.You will learn to love Cheerios.
Ah, those little round o's. So crunchy, so portable, so perfect for that pincer-grasp my son has. But oh how they multiply (no pun intended!). I find cheerios everywhere I go: in the car crevices, in my pockets, in the diaper bag. They crunch underfoot in every room in my house, like an infestation of pests. I would not give them up despite the fact that they have taken up residence in my house and car. They have calmed my son in the time before dinner is ready, are easy to carry anywhere and, most importantly, my son loves them. Like many other solid -food- eating babies, he eats them any time of the day, anywhere. Sometimes I swear they are like coffee.
6. You will become versed in all children's songs.
My husband and I agreed early on that we would expose our son to all kinds of music. We listen to jazz on Saturday mornings, to rock and pop in the afternoons and dance to swing and big band. Despite this, songs I have not sung since grade school creep into the repertoire. “The Wheels on the Bus” , “If You're Happy and You Know It”, even the ABC's (note: this is the same tune as “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”, which we also sing), are de rigueur. They are sung not only when our son is present, but also when he is not. Perhaps the worst addition is all the songs played by the battery-operated toys. Yikes!
7. You will thrive on the chaos.
My son turned our life upside-down. This I had heard from other parents. Amidst the many changes and lack of daily routine, chaos became a sort of order. I never did well with change and certainly thrived on structure. It was a pleasant surprise to see that the chaos and uncertainty of parenthood actually made life more exciting. The more I learned to embrace the chaos, the less anxious I was and the more I enjoyed being a parent. It has certainly made me a more relaxed parent.
These are the truths I have learned and would pass on to other new parents. So consider this insight, not advice. After all, parenthood is a journey---it is unique for each parent. May your journey bring you your own truths about parenthood.
