One of the many ways parents show love for their children is by disciplining them, though this is one of the most difficult tasks of parenting. Teaching an independent human being who has a completely different agenda to do what you say is a task proportionate to climbing Mount Everest. However, failing to discipline your child guarantees both of you years of unhappiness and stress. Discipline is not easy, but if you take the time to do it right, it is more rewarding than you could possibly imagine.
There are mountains of books describing how to discipline children. Some say you should spank; others vehemently argue against spanking. Some promote freedom and free expression; others prescribe arbitrary strictness. The way you discipline your child should be built around your family's personality, though there are basic guidelines that are essential to effective discipline.
Your method of discipline will work only if you gain your child's respect and teach them to willingly follow your instructions. Some parents find that it's much easier to control their children using intimidation, but that is a short-term solution that will eventually backfire and cause additional serious behavioral problems. The parent who takes time to earn their child's respect will experience the gratification that comes from a healthy child-parent relationship. It's worth the effort.
Warn, wait, too late
You first need to determine a communication system for disciplining your child. Most people count slowly to three, expecting a change in behavior before they finish counting. This works well because it incorporates three vital principles in effective discipline:
Warn-warn the child that her behavior is unacceptable.
Wait-give the child time to decide how to act.
Too late-give the child a deadline to modify her behavior.
Discipline works when children are allowed to think about and make decisions then experience the consequences of their decisions. Giving a warning, giving time to decide, and giving a deadline allows the child to decide whether they will conform with the parent's wishes and experience pleasant consequences or rebel against the parent and suffer negative consequences. Any system that communicates these three principles will work. Having a system where you warn your child and then wait a few seconds for them to act works when your child has a quick and simple task to do. However, parents don't always ask their children to do quick and simple things. When you ask your child to do something that will take a longer amount of time (such as putting on their pajamas or setting the table) you will need to give them more time to do it. Make sure that you inform you child of the amount of time they have to accomplish a given task then wait that long before imposing consequences.
Once you have decided on a specific system, stick with that same system. Changing the way you warn your child or the amount of time you give your child to decide will result in confusion and subsequent disobedience. On the other hand, consistently using one system of discipline allows you to quickly and easily communicate your expectations to your child. Choose appropriate consequences
Even though you need to establish a consistent system of discipline, you can and should continually update consequences. Children will grow bored of the same rewards and may be less intimidated by the same punishments. You will also find that one child reacts differently than another, so you may have to use completely separate consequences for different children. Take time to think through the consequences you will impose for different behavior problems.
Don't underestimate the importance of imposed consequences. Some parents assume that if they ignore their children they will learn naturally from their own mistakes. In fact, few natural consequences have an effect on children because of their limited cause/effect understanding and short memory span. Also, many natural consequences are too cruel for the child to bear, such as getting hit by a car when playing in the street. Imposing immediate, age-appropriate consequences will teach your child to obey before they have to face the difficult decision and consequences of the real world.
Remember to include positive consequences when disciplining your child. Having a clean room won't mean as much to your child as it will to you, so adding age-appropriate incentives will help your child learn that good behavior is rewarded. Because your child won't recognize natural positive/negative consequences for their actions, you want your discipline to mimic real life, so your child will be prepared as an adult to face the natural consequences of his actions.
Make it short and sweet
Use punishments that are poignant but not excessive. Punishments that are long drawn out ordeals are less effective because not only do children forget why they are being punished and tend to resent the parent, the parents also are less likely to impose restrictions because they don't want to go to all the trouble. Furthermore, excessive punishments are usually more about the parent's vendetta than actually teaching the child. Short, appropriate punishments will be much more effective in changing the child's behavior over time.
