Being A Part of the Community
The Reflections of a Veteran To Self-Doubt Come Out in The Night.
Tonight during my periods of self-reflection, I realized that I am either lazy or scared. I went to a meeting for parents and discovered something about myself afterwards that had absolutely nothing to do with what was discussed in the meeting. I have problems committing.
I'm a Chicken?
I began to wonder if money were required to be a part of the group since it had not been brought up yet. I had to leave before the meeting was over, and to be honest I was glad. I didn't want to ask the dreaded question of whether or not dues were expected. So, I took the chicken's way out and emailed another member who had become kind towards me. I never thought of myself as a chicken, although I would readily admit to becoming scared. I admit I am not good with socializing. In fact, attending these parenting meetings were one of the ways I'd hoped to learn to strengthen myself. But then the old fears began to haunt me once I returned home.
You Know The Ones
I'm referring to the fears that only us veteran self-doubters endure. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic. I realize many people, veteran or not, have plenty of inner demons.) I began to think I'd tried too hard to fit in, that I had talked too much, and that I'll never be good at merging with other parents.
So, What is The Deal?
I'm a one-on-one sorta person. I can be brave when it's just me and one person. But put me in the room with a group of others, even those whom I have come to know fairly well and for some time, and I'll begin to shiver on the inside. Ever so slightly the doubt will begin to creep in until it completely overwhelms me. Of course, I can hold myself together until I am once more alone. But then the doubt will hit me like a dozen mental sledge hammers until I am miserable and mentally exhausted.
Ever Heard of a Committed Chicken?
Well, that's what I am! A committed chicken, that is. I get myself into these situations and then almost immediately begin to feel myself wanting to back-peddle out of them. First, I was too scared to ask my question. Then, I began to be certain that no one really wanted me there anyway. Finally, I felt my familiar pity-party taking shape making me certain I'm a failure and an idiot. A committed chicken, indeed. I'd rather run quickly in the opposite direction than commit myself to anything that requires someone else to depend on me.
So, What Next?
Well, this is leading back to the part where I said I was either lazy or scared. See, the reason I wonder why I get so scared is because it's much easier to be lazy and not commit. Yes, I could just go back to my comfortable uncomfort-zone and remain miserably lonely. Now that I can relate to! I suppose it's a lot easier to just go back to the rut I've become addicted to in my loneliness than to get off my mental bottom and work towards improvement! Sure, now that's what I'm talking about…lazy is better, right? NO. It is not.
I'm An Example
See, lazy is not better because I have a daughter I'm trying to teach social skills and courage. She tends to be like me, poor thing. I feel pity that she has inherited my negative aspects of personality. I see her becoming negative and the mommy in me kicks in and wants to reach out to soothe and encourage. Yet, the whole time I'm faced with the same situations myself, I quake inside and just want to run and hide. But I can't allow myself to fall for my own mumbo-jumbo garbage talk. I have to be an example for my daughter.
I Never Promised
The song “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden” comes to mind. No, God did not promise us a rose garden, and easy route, a lazy parenting job. He promises us great rewards in Heaven. But we have to get off our duffs and reach for those rewards. We have to participate. It is not easy being a parent. However, it can be very rewarding.
Back Demons
So, I say I need to slay the inner dragons that threaten to consume me with the fiery pit of hell (my own self-doubt and misery). I need to teach myself how to commit. Wish me luck, pray for me, and so on. This is the point I reach where I am supposed to take my own advice, given many times to family and friends and children. Be brave, be persistent, and be strong. And above all, remember, there is a choice. I can choose to be unhappy and unproductive, scared and lazy; or I can be happy, productive, brave and a good example.
