Raising the Bar on Fatherhood

Separating from the mother of your child does not absolve you of responsibility. You are still that child's father. You are every bit as important as the mother, but only if you choose to be. You are still the person who is equally responsible for having brought this child into the world, and now you are equally responsible for raising this child in whatever ways you can. I have seen too many children neglected by their fathers, both financially and emotionally, simply because their children live with their mother. Most children will interpret their father not being involved in the life as result of not being cared for. Most children are often not capable of understanding that this is not about them, but about the father. They turn the blame inwards and may take this out physically, or turn it in and become depressed. I have seen children's hearts break when fathers promise to see their children and do not show up.

Financially, it is alarming at how many fathers try to escape child support. Whether you are in the child's life or not, you are responsible. I have seen fathers try and “work under the table” or purposely take a job which pays very low simply to avoid financially supporting their child. It is as if they perceive paying child support as their ex “winning”. Their own bitterness and selfishness get higher priority over ensuring their child is taken care of.

For the average father paying child support, what you are ordered to pay is only a drop in the bucket compared to the costs of raising a child. If your fear is that your ex will spend the money on herself or go on a shopping spree, you can lay that fear to rest. If you are not paying child support as a way of punishing your ex for leaving, you should be ashamed of yourself.

No child support can mean your child goes without gifts at Christmas or for their birthday, or not being able to eat a healthy meal or wear proper clothing. Children are often forced to live in bad neighborhoods because mom cannot afford housing somewhere safe. Living in unsafe neighborhoods increases your child's chance of falling victim to violence, committing crimes themselves, or getting involved with drugs or gangs. Many unsupported mothers often cannot afford babysitters so they can go to work, which often results in leaving their young children at home to baby-sit each other. It is estimated that the average cost of raising a child today until the age of 18 is $1018 a month. Compare this cost to what you pay in child support.

When I look at my past I realize that I cannot change it, but what I can do is try to ensure that the man I choose will be the father our children need him to be. I know that the man I am going to marry is a caring and supportive man. I know that he is not afraid to show his feelings and will invest in a child. I have watched my partner with children. He plays with them, tends to their needs, and is not afraid to be affectionate towards them. It brings tears to my eyes to see a man I know will be able to give our children something I never had.

Ask yourself, what kind of father you want to be, and what kind of father does your child deserve? Being a true father can be a challenge. It may force you to challenge your own perception of fatherhood. It may mean sacrificing more or investing more time and effort into your child as oppose to yourself. You may also need to step out of your comfort zone, and raise your child in a way that is different from the way you know. For the fathers and step-fathers who raise the bar, I applaud you. Never be fooled by the impact you make in your child's life, and never underestimate.