I have been asked by several friends over the years to publish an “instruction guide to positive parenting” and it is only because that I have raised an exceptional son. This is not just my opinion because, as to be expected, I am notably prejudiced in his favor. But, I will have to say, comparatively speaking, that he is head and shoulders above a lot of the kids you see these days. Most of my friends have kids who are bums, drug addicts, moochers, and worse.
When I hear their tales of woe, I thank God over and over that my son is not like theirs. I will take some credit for his wonderful outcome, and all those who know me and know that I raised him mostly by myself, would agree that I did a pretty darn good job! His father was in absentia most of the time, so it was up to me to bring him up with good values, ethics, honesty and a healthy respect and knowledge of God and how important He is in one's life. I could go on and on about all of his wonderful attributes and accomplishments, but like I tell anyone who asks about him….you would have to shoot me to get me to shut up once I have started!
So, without getting on my soapbox, I will give anyone who is interested a few pointers that I found worked quite well.
- Start early. It is never too soon to start teaching your child life lessons. Even when mine was only still a young toddler, I taught him lessons about accepting responsibility for his actions, and taking the consequences of those actions should they be bad decisions as well as other important lessons. Here is a common myth: Young children do not understand ramifications. Bull hockey……They understand from birth. Example: A baby learns very quickly that if he cries, he will get attention. If he is fortunate to have good and loving parents, it will be positive. If he is not so fortunate, he may get shouted at, shaken or slapped……but regardless, it is attention. So, it stands to reason, that if a baby can figure out this elemental logic, a toddler can certainly do so.
- Start as early as possible letting him make his own decisions. As long as he is not about to do something dangerous to himself or others, it is ok for him to decide on his own. You can advise, and should. But let him decide. So what if he picks out paisley shorts and checked shirts! So what if he want to mix corn, peas, and mashed potatoes at dinner? Even though it may repulse you, that doesn't matter. He is learning. Maybe he will like it, maybe he won't. The important thing is that he is learning to make those decisions and learning that you trust him to make those decisions. That you are not going to dictate to him every little thing….he has a mind of his own…let him use it!
- Actions create consequences. What causes a toddler to throw a tantrum any time he is displeased? Instant gratification. Everyone has witnessed this in a public place, and most have witnessed the parent giving in to that tantrum to get the child to hush up and stop making an unpleasant scene. This reciprocation only reinforces the behavior. Therefore, the child learns that a tantrum gets him what he wants. Pretty simple.
So, when your child tries this tactic with you, it is absolutely essential that you do not give in. It is a clash of wills, and you must win. And this can be done in a loving and caring manner. It should never be done by asserting your physical advantage over the child. I can't stress this enough. You will only teach him that you are the stronger, and therefore, he will become resentful rather than respectful. The object is for him to learn respect for your wishes and still have self-respect, and that this is not the way for him to get what he wants. It is imperative that the child not be made to feel that he is “bad” but that his behavior is not acceptable. My child only did this one time……when it happened I simply stood there calmly and let him roll on the floor, crying and carrying on until he realized that he was only drawing attention to himself in a bad way and when he finished, I picked him up, hugged him and told him that because he did that we would not be going to see the fountain at the mall after all. This created another fit of crying and wailing, but I just continued to hold him and explain to him that it was because he had thrown the fit that he wasn't going to get something he wanted. Was it uncomfortable and embarrassing? Of course it was. And did he cry and wail all the way home? Pretty much. But, it was a lesson he never forgot….and he never did that again. Yet he knew that I did not think he was a bad child, but that he had done something that brought on a bad outcome for himself.
- Don't hold it over his head. Once the incident was over, I never spoke of it again. I did not constantly remind him or continue to bring it up. This is a rule that many people do not realize is important. This is important in all relationships, and no less in your relationship with your child. Children that are continually reminded of past bad behavior will eventually come to feel that they are a bad person, and that mom never forgets to remind them of it. No one likes to be reminded of past mistakes. Self esteem must be learned and reinforced at every opportunity. This is not the same thing as selfishness. It is a conscience attempt to promote self-confidence, not self-centeredness. Learning that action creates consequence will instill confidence in his own ability to make good decisions down the road. A bad decision with a bad outcome is a valuable life lesson, no matter how inconsequential you may think the action is at the time. Baby steps for babies, that's the trick. I'll give you another example: when he was about two or thereabouts, he always wanted to play with a ceramic soap dish that was in our bathroom. It was very pretty and had little flowers painted on it.
After telling him many times that he could not play with that as it would break easily, one day he came out of the bathroom carrying the soap dish. Once again, I told him to put it back where it belonged as it was not a toy and he could not play with it. He looked me straight in the eye and purposely dropped it on our hard kitchen floor. Of course it shattered into pieces. He looked at me with a bit of trepidation in his eyes, wondering how mom would react to this overt clash of wills. I did not scold him in the least, I simply picked up the pieces and threw it in the trash, explaining to him that now the pretty little soap dish was gone forever due to his action. This taught him three valuable lessons all at once. 1. That mom did not lie, the soap dish would break, 2. That due to his action, he would no longer have the soap dish to admire and enjoy, and 3, That mom was not going to go off on him and berate him in any way even though he had made a bad decision. He had learned once again that action creates consequence. But he also learned that mom loved him just the same.
- Always draw attention to good decisions. No matter how small, he must realize that he has the ability to make good decisions for himself that will bring about good outcomes. This is the flip side to Rule Four. And just as important. Children who are never praised for good decisions will only remember the bad ones. If he doesn't want to eat his peas, and you encourage him to do so, and he does…..that is a good decision…..praise him for it. Draw attention to it. It may be a small thing, but in his realm of reality, it is noteworthy. This does not mean that you should gush at every cute little thing he does. That is a different topic altogether. This concerns conscience decision making. You don't want to make him think that he can do no wrong or that he is the most perfect child ever born…..this promotes an inflated ego….nobody wants to be around a child that is insufferably precocious. Not even you!
I will stop now with these five rules that I attempted as best I could to follow throughout his rearing. They worked and they worked very well. I will continue this at a later time trying to stay in somewhat chronological order as much as possible. Hope this helps someone out there who is a new parent, or about to become one soon.
