There are thousands of books, magazines, classes and workshops for parents today and they are all worthy of any frustrated parent. What if I told you that I can provide you with serious insight into any child at any age, and it will change your life? Sounds too good to be true doesn't it? Hang in there and let's see if I'm right. One concept at a time.
I am a parent of three who has been practicing these concepts for over 20 years, sometimes with tremendous success and sometimes with little success. I have been through classes, workshops and read just about every book available. I took on ideas that felt right in my heart, felt right for my family and applied them, twisted them, turned them into things that worked for us and now I want to share that with you!
The first concept is this: Your Children are not yours! I know you produced them, they look and act just like you, but the truth is, they do not belong to you. Children we all agree are gifts right? Gifts. They started out as surprise gifts or expected gifts but no matter what, gifts. After birth we became much more serious about those gifts and embarked on a path of care, direction, protection and ultimately we all want the same thing: children who grow up to be productive, happy, healthy, well balanced adults who are successful in this world. Somewhere along the line, they became "mine", "ours" and "his" or "hers" depending on how they behave. The very core of our society has sent a very powerful message about ownership over others, husbands and wives are familiar with this and so too are parents, if you look at it from a distance, you can see that we claim our children in much the same way as we do everything else. This is an illusion, if you see it for what it is, you will also see that the reality is; children are not yours, they are their own little person belonging to no one (unless you believe in something bigger than you, God or a higher power in the universe then they belong to that which is the ruler of the universe.) and when I apply this concept for children ages 2-30 to everyday life it looks like this: I ask them more questions, dig deeper for their own answers, solutions, direction and give them more power to make decisions in their life. I try to remember that they are not mine, they do not belong to me, I have been selected as a guide, a caregiver, a producer, a director but at 18, they will move into their own world and take their own direction. I ask myself, what results do I want to produce? I want cooperation, team work, the ability to reason well and negotiate with others. As long as I remember that they are not mine, it opens up my mind and heart, it gives me and my children the ability to have more direct input into their daily lives. Try it for 7 days and I promise you a change in they way you parent. For seven days, act and do everything under the idea that they are not yours; It will shock you to see the difference. I am sure your expecting some kind of "do this" or "don't' do that" kind of lesson from me but I cannot tell you enough that if your reading this, you are already a good parent, keep going, try new things but remember every parent is different, so I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you about concepts and insights that will change the way you parent in a way that changes for YOU and YOU only.
For me, I will share an example with you of my own experience. My kids are 24, 17 and 15 now and I also have 2 grandchildren ages 4 and 1, from my oldest daughter who has been in the navy for 5 years now and is married. You can imagine with three girls in the house growing up together, there were plenty of arguments the whole way, from birth and even today. So, applied knowledge that they are not mine has lended itself to so many cases of me being a better parent just because I hear them argue, my instinct is to jump in, stop it, end it really, but if they are not mine what is my purpose when they fight?
I usually stay out of it, or I ask questions like, why are you so angry? What can I do to help? It sounds like you are really mad, what would you like to do to resolve this. Let me tell you, at 3 and 4 years old the answers were less than helpful and I still had to separate them or take away toys, give them solutions, create ideas but as teens, the two girls at home still have tiffs and argue. I listen t o more resolutions that not, more ideas born of frustration and less calls for help. The oldest, well, she inspires her own now to work it out and find answers. Her husband too. She still calls, she wants her mom, but she leans more on he own resources and usually finds her own answers if I let her talk long enough about a problem. Isn't that our goal as parents? Teach our children to resolve issues, find their own way to negotiate and be willing to talk it out? A huge difference in parenting, one concept. Look for the next article, next concept and keep your eyes peeled for the difference you can make by allowing not only your children to belong to themselves, but the world around you!
