You say something and do something else. “Darling, if you don't eat the vegetables I will not give you chocolate”. Then he does not eat vegetables but you give the chocolate because you feel bad or guilty. The child realizes that the parents statement is not to be taken seriously and that he will get what he wants.
Making statements you don't mean. “Son if you don't stop that noise I'll throw you out of the window. “ Will you ever do it”?
Your harsh “NO changes to Yes”. Initially you refuse to buy him a toy and later when he throws a tantrum you give in. The child understands that by crying and rolling on the ground he can get what he wants. Stick to your guns even if it becomes a public performance. You give in because it causes embarrassment but do not go back on your words.
Contradicting statements made by your spouse with your child. If the mother says“ No” and the father says” Yes”, it clearly shows disagreement between the spouses and the child learns to choose between the parents when he/she needs something. Let the child know that parents are hand in glove with each other.
Responding Differently To The Same Misbehavior.
You punish the child when he/she displays a particular behavior but when the same behavior is repeated you don't react. Inconsistency on the part of the parents gives them the message “Don't believe what I say”. It can make the child angry and confused.
Using Negative Statements.
We parents love the word don't. Don't do this .Don't do that. Then what can he/she do? The other day I told my daughter just like a typical parent “Don't shout” and the shouting increased. I changed the statement to “Mama feels good when you talk softly”. Immediately she changed her tone. The way children process and store information is different. When we say “Don't shout, don't climb, don't jump” what they hear is the last word climb, jump, shout. Too many negative statements lower their confidence, and they'll begin to doubt their capacity.
In disciplining children sometimes parents also resort to severe physical punishment which can lead to fear, hatred of parents, lack of warmth, and low confidence. It makes them rebellious and defiant. The secret of disciplining small children is, “Ignore bad behavior and praise good behavior”. Small children like the attention they get when they indulge in some kind of behavior like spitting. For adults anything that small children do is amusing. But the sound, reactions, showing that you are amused encourages the child to continue with the same behavior. Ignore that behavior and he/she will not repeat it again. With slightly older children you can use the,”The Time Out System”.
Each time the child behaves badly keep the child on the naughty stool or corner of the room for a period of time .When he/she is deprived of activities for some time he/she will behave well. But withdrawing love or sending the message “I love you only if you do this” can be more damaging than spanking. Such children seek parent's approval all the time and can be anxious, tense and have very low self esteem. Instead of saying -I will punish you because you are bad say “I am upset about what you did”. Punishing children under age two will frighten them and after age five it can be humiliating and cause resentment in them. Reinforcing or rewarding good behavior is the key to successful parenting. When parents are consistent and emotionally supportive children become confident.
Carl Jung, a psychoanalyst once said, “We look backward to our parents, forward to our children and their children, a future which we will not see but which we need to care”.
