"Mama, Can't you understand”, says a four year old repeatedly. A ten year old boy writes, “My father drinks and misbehaves, whom do I look up to?” A six year old has constant skin eruptions, no appetite, and umpteen numbers of visits to the doctor. He says,” when my parents fight, I watch as if watching a tennis match. After five long years when they couldn't manage each other they sent me to a hostel. There I was constantly worried that they would kill each other. I love both of them. Can't they understand?” Another child quips, “I was a bully in school because my parents were occupied with work and business”.
When I hear this, often I wonder what we are doing as parents. Are we parenting them in such a way that they are equipped to take on the reins of life or become a neurotic and be a nuisance to society? When we see children we ask this question “How did I become the person that I am today?” Our confidence, self esteem, inadequate feelings, adequate feelings, insecurities, complexes are all the result of the experiences of the childhood period. When we fail to give our children a good start in life everybody suffers -the child, parents and the society as a whole. Children's unadulterated and innocent ways of viewing the world is disturbed by the way we bring them up.
Just as becoming parents is a serious affair so also is parenting. Effective parenting is giving children the capacity for love, joy, responsibility and fulfillment. In bringing up children we parents adopt different styles. But sadly most parents discipline their children the same way as their parents disciplined them. That means repeating the mistakes done earlier. Now let's just skim over some of the styles that we adopt and decide for ourselves which is the best and why.
Authoritarian parenting is very restrictive and does not allow for any verbal exchange. It is do as I say and no further discussions .They believe in, children should only be seen and not heard. Such an environment would make the child incompetent in a competent world, anxious, aggressive and leave them with poor communication skills.
Authoritative parenting allows freedom and independence as well as sets limits to their behavior. When the child commits a mistake the parent would correct the child in a comforting way. “You have committed a mistake but let's talk about it and see what you can do in a situation like this next time”. Children coming from such environments are socially responsible, independent and competent. Permissive parenting is where the parents can be indulgent or neglectful.
Neglectful parenting is being totally uninvolved in the child's life. They are oblivious of where the child is what he/she is doing. I very often hear children say that their parents do not love them. It is not that they do not love them but the fact is their parents are neglectful. Children like their parents to be firm. It makes them feel wanted and loved. Such children have no self control and do not know to handle the independence or freedom that they get.
Indulgent parenting is being over involved with little or no restrictions, allowing him/her to do as he/she pleases. Here I am reminded of a Fifteen year old adolescent who constantly threatened the parents of dire consequences if they did not heed to his demands. He even threw his parents out of the house, dropped out of school, abused drugs and when things went out of proportion he sought help. During the sessions that followed it came to light that the parents had been very inconsistent in their approach and had failed to set guidelines for his behavior. This can lead to lack of self control. Basically parenting style should be a combination of acceptance, responsiveness, demand and control.
The two most important ingredients to parenting are discipline and communication. Children feel secure and confident when parents are strict and friendly. Parents should set guidelines for their behavior. It is when parents fail to do so children become aggressive, anti social and insincere. Good parenting is socializing the child in such a way that the bond of trust between the parent and child is intact. This trust between the parent and child develops during the first year of life. If the parent responds to the child's needs the child begins to trust the caregiver or the parent. This is reflected in behavior such as attending to the baby's discomfort, soothing the baby when it is upset, feeding the baby on demand etc. This sets the foundation for the trust or bond that develops between the parent and the child. In the child's second year of life when the child asserts independence like for instance the child asserts to hold the cup, eat, wear clothes on its own, if parents are unmindful of the mess the child would make and allow the child the freedom to be independent in these small ways, then the child would grow up to be a more confident person. Discipline should give children the freedom to express their feelings and actions and not allow them to do what they please .Here are few situations those reflect ineffective parenting.
