When a parent brings a child into this world, the family must adapt to the needs of the vulnerable new born. It is not an easy task.
Many books have been written on the subject and there are numerous opinions on issues such as whether or not to use corporal punishment. Clearly, the “experts” are divided on such matters.
Personally, I do believe that corporal punishment has a time and place. I am not a Bible basher though. I don't find the reason to use physical methods because of the verse that says, “Spare the rod and spoil the child,” although I believe that if a child can't be reasoned with using any other method then, pain can be used.
Clearly, if a child has a problem that keeps getting repeated, it tends to suggest that a good strategy is need. Keeping the child from being in the situation where he misbehaves is one way to do this. You have to come up with a method for insuring that he isn't allowed to hurt himself.
It is not a good idea to let a child misbehave and punish him for the same offense when reasoning with him and telling him what the problem is, can suffice. And laughing in the child's face for getting in trouble due to a “repeat offense” is also not a good idea.
On the flip side, parents have to be good examples. Children can be very sensitive to a parent's shortcomings and “do as I say, not as I do,” doesn't tend to go over very well. And neither does being overly possessive and overly protective. I know this from personal experience in my own relationship with my father.
My father is a very possessive, and strict person. He was in the armed forces for 6 years and he treated me like I was one of his charges. The result is that years later, we had major differences and as of this writing, I haven't seen him for over 9 years. It's along story.
When I was 14 my father still wanted to hit me and he was being very difficult to please. So I got fed up and went to the local fire department and asked them to help out. They set me up with Social Services and we all went for family counseling.
The firemen also told me that I might have an attitude that I could do no wrong and they were correct. Essentially, I simply wasn't leveling with myself and I was falling down on the job.
The case worker told my dad, “Look, if he were still 10 or 12, I'd say hit him. But now, he's a young adult and it isn't proper to handle it that way.” Luckily, the social worker was able to reason with my father where I couldn't.
As per my spiritual roots in Judaism, I really should have behaved in a much better manner. Then again, when a boy's testosterone kicks in, the raging hormones can take over and cause a lot of damage.
Part of the problem in my case was that after Hebrew School was over, after my Bar Mitzvah, I had no outlet for my spiritual needs. For a while I fell in with a bad crowd. That led me to being involved in a Christian church for 5 years but that church developed a spiritual problem and I had to leave it. My life has taken many strange and unusual turns.
Sometimes, when people have problems relating to their parents, they turn to other people for help and the other people cause more trouble and the problem escalates. You can displace one bad example with an example that is even worse. It may cause a person to need professional help, learning how to relate to authority figures.
Currently, anyone can get married and have children and no classes for new parents are mandatory. But I believe that raising a child and molding his or her character is such an important job - in fact it's probably the most important job of all, that people should get some counseling whether it be from a faith-based group or not.
When you get married in Judaism, you have to have a religious certificate called a ketubah. The ketubah makes mention of how you will relate to your spouse as well as how you will provide for the welfare of the children you will have.
The Torah discusses the so-called incorrigible child. Be advised that no one ever was stoned over this because there always were extenuating circumstances and the passage is only in the Bible for people to get the mitzvah for studying it.
As a Hebrew Christian these days, in Avenel Presbyterian Church of NJ, we take vows when we become parents, as per promising to give Christian nurture to our children when they are born and this is in addition to vows as per when couples get married and how the spouses will treat each other.
Children have material, social and spiritual needs. It can often be a hard lesson to learn that a child is not to be left to deciding his own fate when it comes to what kind of education he should get.
When I was a little boy, my father left it up to me to decide on whether or not I would go to religious training. I said no at first. Then someone ran an ad for an after school program and I changed my mind. I really needed to get some grounding in spirituality.
My father also told me, “It would be nice if you said a bracha (“blessing”) before you ate something, once in a while.” Actually, he being the leader should have set the example. I always had issues with his unusual behavior.
But one thing we can and should do is to learn from the mistakes of our parents. The truth is, you never know how difficult it can be to be a parent until you're in that position yourself. I have always been afraid of turning into my dad. Yeesh!!!!
