Common among most families is the reality of comparison and labeling. We usually hear for example, or even say ourselves the statements “Why wouldn't you be like your brother, your father?”, or “Look at him, he's far better than you!” At times we hear or say “He's the black cheep in the family” or maybe, “She's the best among my children...” These are sentences commonly heard among family discussions which we may all have been accustomed to that somehow they have become ordinary expressions. Most of us have become comfortable with them, especially if the comparison and labeling are affirmative on our side. Nevertheless, in feeling comfortable with such statements, we have disregarded so to speak, or failed to realize their tremendous implications to people.
Studies show that comparison is psychologically devastating to someone considered inferior. Much especially to somebody labeled negatively by family members who often than not, the parents themselves. Recent studies also show the variety of skills and talents inherent among individuals scientifically known as “multiple intelligences”. Accordingly, there is a wide range of individual capabilities innately differentiated among persons. Some for example may find their superior abilities in intellectual pursuits, while others possess aesthetic acumen that may include music and other forms of arts. Corollary to this, some individuals manifest their giftedness through higher physical abilities in sports and in many others.
All these considered, most of us will be guilty of committing an error by trying to limit our recognition of “intelligence” to purely intellectual level. Stories of parents literally forcing their children to follow their professional tracks, or older siblings pressuring younger ones to fulfill their own dreams and not those, of the persons themselves, are no longer new. As a result, when resistance is exhibited by the one being pressured, labeling follows like - “hard-headed”, “problem-child”, and worst, “Good-for-nothing” and so on.
The effect usually brought by this is rebellion on the part of the labeled person. Low self-esteem develops and usually leads to indulgence in drugs as “emotional anesthesia”, or to blatant acting out of the labels. Sometimes, manifestation of deviant behavior ensue which unfortunately seem to affirm those who labeled them and feel more convinced that indeed, “they were right”. How sad... the ones who were really wrong are prettily believing thy are right. On this issue, Salvador Minuchin - a veteran family counselor made a new approach called Relabeling. In his approach, he would “re-label” the person called “black sheep” or whatever as the “true savior of the family” or anything positive. He would say that the problems lay not on the person but on the family itself. He says that on the contrary, the person's misbehavior is actually a cry for help - a symptom of an obviously dysfunctional family.
Perhaps, the most important thing here is the recognition of our unique individuality and respect for our different ways of giftedness. Minuchin says, one basic characteristic of a wholesome or functional family is the presence of freedom among members to develop themselves according to their individual giftedness. Boundaries are set as to roles and responsibilities, and yet openness and respect for everyone are strongly established. Parents are in control, but not “puppet masters”. Children are subservient to the parents, but not their “Guinea Pigs”. I think he did make a sense.
