I've been married for 18 years now. My oldest son just got married himself at 17. Yes, I know that is young, I got married when was 18. What I want to blog about is the fact I feel like I am in mourning! I cant even think about him, if I do I ball my eyes out.
Mourning
I thought something was wrong with me, yesterday I was at work my boss came over to me began to speak about my oldest son, my eyes teared up in a second. Then when I got home I was talking to my wife, she began to speak about our son, open the flood gates, I balled my eyes out!! So, she leaves for work and all is better I go upstairs to hear the answering machine messages. There is a message from my son, and new wife singing me happy birthday, cry again. My face is raw from all the tears.
Crazy
I called my Pastor, I thought I was going nuts. Pastor told me there is a mourning process when a family member leaves the home. There is a physical, mental and spiritual dynamic to a loved one “leaving the coop”. Then to find out my youngest son,9, was also having problems with letting go. He had to have a picture of Josh on the wall right by his head so he can see it as he falls asleep. We are a very tight family of 5 kids and I consider my oldest to be one of best friends. I remember just yesterday him going fishing with me for the first time in Geff, Illinois. I cant believe it was over a decade ago!
The physical side of him not being here is that the boys are now fighting for position for his room. They want a decision about who is going to get his room and I don't even want to talk about him not being home. I guess there is a separation in my mind and I am going to have to get used to the fact he is gone. I have come to the understanding it may be several weeks before I will be O.K. We are a very spiritual family. I have spent my life pouring into this oldest one. Now, before I was ready or prepared he up and found a wife!
Mar 10:7b.... a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage
Mar 10:8 he becomes one flesh with a woman--no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. (MSG)
I understand this ancient wisdom, however it does not mention the fact it can and will tear your heart out and send you into mourning like the family member has died!
Healing
It looks like this is a normal thing family members can go through when this blessed event happens. Strange his mother isn't going through any this. That makes me feel that I am going nuts. I am willing admit that as each day goes on it has become a bit easier. There was a time I did not want to talk to him on the phone. I am not sure why , I cant say it helped one way or the either other. It has been a few days now, and I have actually typed this article with out shedding tears. Maybe I can make it today with crying my eyes out. As my wife laughs at me I move on letting the healing process take place.
Warning
We are a very close family. Everyone is always “up in my stuff” as I am in theirs as well. I thought this would be a joyous occasion. I had preconceived notions of blessing and well wishing, sending him off to fulfill his part in the world. Instead, it was gut wrenching and still hurts. I have a hole in me, and I miss him terribly. Well, I thought I would make it through this writing with out crying. If you are a parent of a close family please consider yourself warned. For me the experience of blessing my oldest son, releasing him in to a world that needs him WAS TERRIBILE !
