My life with Juneau has not been easy. I believe God gave me Juneau for a special reason; I believe there is purpose to all of this. At times, I fear letting him down. There are moments filled with profound joy and happiness; these moments accompany my fears. Would I trade my life with Juneau? I answer with a resounded no.
Why is life with Juneau different from any other? My four year old son Juneau has autism. It has been two years since I took him to Regional Center with suspicions about autism. It's ironic that I was the first to see the signs and symptoms, that I myself would take him in for all the testing, and that they would tell me exactly what I had suspected. My job as a speech-language pathologist provided me with years of training in the area of autism. I felt a draw to this particular group of children and chose to work with preschool age students in special education. Many of the students I work with every day have autism. I can't help but wonder if this was part of the plan from the beginning. Does this make me a better candidate as a parent? Many of my friends and colleagues convinced me of this. But, in my quiet moments I still hurt and mourn for the perfect baby I had dreamed of my whole life.
Juneau is a beautiful and generally happy little boy. Like many kids with autism, you can't tell by looking at him that he is any different from the other kids. I began providing daily speech therapy for him at age two. I believe this has helped him tremendously. Living with autism has lots of challenges. I suppose the most difficult thing for our family has been Juneau's obsessive compulsive behaviors. Things have to be done a certain way, toys are lined up perfectly, and he insists on routine and is extremely rigid in his behavior. Patience has taken on a whole new meaning in the last couple years. Juneau is slow and methodical in his activities. I have found it's not worth trying to rush him as that increases his anxiety thus increasing his oppositional behaviors. All parents question their decisions at times, wondering if they really did the right thing. I find myself doing that questioning frequently. It seems like the stakes are higher since he already has one strike against him. As if every decision carries more weight, it's so difficult to change a rule once made that I agonize over each decision.
Inside all of this routine and rigidity is a loving boy who wants to play and have fun. Juneau certainly has activities he enjoys and toys he likes to play with. We indulge him when we can, seeing him play happily is a breath of fresh air (even if he is playing alone.) Living with Juneau has encouraged me to realize what is truly important in life. It has helped me celebrate even the smallest accomplishment. Although the road ahead will not be smooth, I've come to see that living with Juneau is a blessing. My time with him puts life in perspective; it's a marathon, not a sprint. I'm in this for the long haul and feel blessed that I have learned how to celebrate life. I made a resolution to let go of that perfect baby I once dreamed of, and embrace the perfect baby I was given.
