I've worked as a youth corrections counselor for many years and in several different settings. The kids I have worked with have displayed a range of problems, everything from violent and aggressive kids to kids with mental illness that range from severe to mild. I've worked as an authority figure as well as a mentor in therapeutic institutions. I've dealt with some extremely angry and manipulative kids and have become very good at avoiding those big conflicts that end poorly. I have titled this article to indicate ways of winning arguments with teenagers but really it's so much more than that.
Specifically, this is designed to outline a communication strategy that is effective on almost any playing field, regardless of the behavior and problems of the teenager in question. Arguments are so much more then arguments, they are a fight for power and respect and often is an attempt on the behalf of the teenager to avoid getting into trouble. What I have outlined here are communication strategies to help gain ground with your kids instead of losing it.
Just because they don't fight fair, doesn't mean that you should do the same thing - Let's face it, teenagers do not fight fair and they certainly do not follow any rules of respect or rules of communication when it comes to confrontation and arguing. It's funny that teenagers want to be treated like mature, responsible people but when it comes to arguing, it's no holds barred. I've known teenagers that lash out their parents, they call them names and are extremely disrespectful.
They often do this on purpose because they are trying to get you to return to the favor. If you call them names as well, then they will have something to hold against you and that's what they want. Don't stoop to their level, if they call you nasty things, make it a strict policy not to do the same. If you are successful, remind them that you don't call them names, that you give them respect and you expect the same thing from them. In order to be respected, you have to be respectful.
Stay on topic - If junior was due home at ten p.m. and comes home at three, he's in big trouble. Junior probably knows that he will be in less trouble though if he can change the subject and somehow put the focus on you and even make it look like his rebellion is somehow your fault. He or she probably makes a concerted effort on pointing out the things that you do wrong and why you are bad person, as though your mistakes are now a justification for his or her behavior. He or she knows that if he or she can get their parents onto their heals and into the defensive mode, they can take some of the heat on themselves.
And they're right, if the argument turns into a session in which the entire discussion is you defending yourself, to an extent, he or she has won. Stay on topic, remind them that you're not talking about you, you're talking about them and why they are home late or whatever the case may be. Have the presence of mind to recognize when they change the subject, ignore your defenses and put the accountability back on them.
Take away their power - Parents are the bosses, they should be. Most often they know better, have better judgment and more then anything have experience with life. When they argue, really, it's a fight for power. They are seeking to take power from you and add to their own. Anytime there is a power struggle like this, really nobody wins, but that's good enough for your teenager. He or she would rather that nobody wins then have you win. Think of this power struggle as a tug of war. Now if you were in a real tug of war with your kid, you could probably easily win. A verbal tug of war is vastly different, there are so many other factors, the whole situation is so dynamic that it becomes very easy to manipulate and manipulate they do. Instead of tugging on the rope, just drop it and stop pulling. I think this may be one of the hardest steps because it takes a certain amount of pride swallowing.
We're the adults, we should win and we want to win so we fight hard to win our arguments but with so much arguing and fighting, the relationship loses so much ground and soon the relationship is very diminished. When you drop the rope and end the power struggle, you have won, that is the truth, I know from experience. So what does this mean exactly and what does it look like? I've found that teenagers often look for a conflict and they do certain things to illicit a certain type of response from you. When you give them the conflict they are looking for or give them the response they are looking for, you are giving them power. When they look for conflict, don't give it to them, don't respond in a defensive way when they are intentionally trying to get you to do so. Don't give them the response they want, by doing so you are avoiding the power struggle and taking away their power.
Try not to lose your temper - Losing your temper and giving into rage doesn't help anything. It doesn't help you, it doesn't help your kid(s), it doesn't help the situation and it definitely doesn't help your relationship. When we lose out tempers we're almost completely under the influence of emotions. The thing about emotions is that they are not rational and they typically don't make good decisions. Most of the time people make decisions and behave while using their logic and their emotions which are the two sides of every person. The more emotions there are, the less logic there is and when we make decisions while in that frame of mind, we usually do it poorly. People usually say and do pretty terrible things when they are full of rage and they usually have regrets about those things too. So do your best to keep your temper under control and if you do lose your temper, it's ok, try to have the presence of mind to know that you've lost your temper and make a point to end the argument there and pick it up later when you're not as mad. It may be hard at first, but gets easier with practice. I believe if you do this, you'll have positive results and things will work better for you.
Act like an adult - I have learned that teenagers are still children who are learning and discovering the world. Their brains are still developing and even though they may seem grown up, they aren't. They may seem stubborn but teenagers are still young and impressionable. They learn how to act and learn how to be adults by watching and learning from the adults around them, particularly their parents. Remember that they learn things from you and if they see you do it, they will probably do it too. When you're arguing with your kids, act like an adult. Try not to yell, lose your temper, swear at them or say things to them that may hurt them or hurt your relationship in the long run. If your kids lose the respect that they have for you, you definitely will not win arguments with them and you'll have a harder time getting them to follow rules and behave as well.
