Imagine the day to day to stress of living in a two-parent home… and then multiply that by ten for the single parent. Single parents must be the hardest working people in the world. It is impossible to attach a monetary value to the amount of physical work and emotional energy that is required to raise children single-handedly. The parent who is required to pay child support frequently complains about the money deducted from his paycheck. But what he doesn't realize is that this is only a small fraction of what is required to maintain the emotional, physical, and psychological well-being of children on a daily basis.
The custodial parent can never be fully compensated for her daily maintenance: washing, cooking, cleaning, pulling Barbie out of the toilet, missing work because the children are sick, ironing, sewing, shopping disciplining, and providing encouragement and love when she herself can barely make it through another day -- at work or school, through traffic. The responsibility of having young children means putting their needs first, and consequently neglecting your own.
Some of the main issues that are taken for granted by the "weekend" parent is that he can come and go as he pleases. He is not required to worry about whether or not someone can watch the children and what time they will be home. In addition, he is able to sleep, eat, date and enjoy other activities at his convenience. He has the freedom to say, "I can't keep the children this weekend" for whatever reason., as if the visitation arrangement is only when it fits his normal schedule. The thought of arranging daycare, and yes, taking the children with him, hardly ever crosses his mind.
With all of the hard work required of single parents, it is incomprehensible how child support that is directly taken from the absent parent's paycheck could possibly be late. You know what they say, Don't count your chickens... blah blah blah. But of course, that's easier said than done since the vast majority of single parents rely on child support to help care for their children. So how does the financially-strapped single parent survive without money she desperately needs, consistently and timely? After all the bills, car note, rent and insurance are due when they are due. Furthermore, the children need food, clothing and school money --Now!
The parent who no longer resides in the home can greatly enhance the relationship with their children by reducing the stress of the custodial parent. In so doing, the absent parent can become a dependable source of emotional support and stability for the children, allowing the custodial parent some time to recharge their batteries, and thus, become a more effective parent.
How Separated Parents Can Work Together
- If you are picking up the children for a visit, arrive on time. If it's okay with the mother, come early. If there are young children, help them get dressed. Don't complain if the mother isn't finished dressing the children. Remember, she has had the children all week, through daily meals, homework, bedtime disagreements and combing their hair. Your time with the children is more leisure and only for the weekend. Be a team parent! Your role is not only to provide fast food, movies and park activities.
- Unless there is a death in the family or prior agreement, don't miss scheduled visitation arrangements. Usually, the children are extremely disappointed, not to mention the custodial parent who may have wanted to work part-time, study or go out on a date --time she had planned for herself--time she deserved.
- Pick up the children during the week for several hours. Help them with their homework or take them out to dinner and or a movie.
- Don't let the court order dictate the time you spend with your children. Share as much of the parenting responsibility as possible-- that you and the other parent can agree to. The court order is a rough guideline of the minimum time to spend with your children.
- Attend medical and dental appointments and parent-teacher conferences.
- Of course money is needed to maintain the needs of the children, but the most valuable thing that you can give children is your time. Young children especially do not understand the concept of money, and one day you will not be required to pay child support. However, you will greatly reap the rewards of the time spent with your children by taking an active part in their lives.
Surviving During Financially Trying Times
- Buy a surplus of washing supplies: bleach, detergent, and fabric softeners. If you do the washing at the Laundromat, buy six weeks worth of quarters and put it away in a special place. When you are low on money, it is very frustrating when you can't afford to wash your work clothes or children's school clothes. Looking good and having clean clothes will make you feel good about yourself and lift your spirits.
- Plan your meals carefully. Stock your cupboard with canned goods and other non-perishable items. Buy plenty of goodies or cheese crackers for the kids, and hide most of it in the cupboard. Ration it out throughout the week. Keep your favorite beverages and snakes on hand too. When all you're left with after paying the bills is gas money, having a few of these favorite things at home can really make your day.
- Pick or purchase inexpensive flowers and place them throughout the house in cute, little bottles. Place them in your bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. Find creative ways to brighten up your home. Your children will appreciate it. Remember: It's the little things that count. Poverty is not a way of life -- it's a way of thinking. Never let poverty become a part of your soul.
- For your benefit and pleasure, tuck away the kids at bedtime and take a candlelight bath. Total cost: two dollars (if you shop at the local dollar store). Many of us have these items already in our homes. Why should life treat you any better than you are willing to treat yourself? Charity starts at home.
- Find quiet time to think. This will allow you to tap into your talents, strengths and help to solve problems. Relationships are wonderful to have, but the most important relationship any person, especially the single parent, can have is with themselves. Take good care of yourself so you can take better care of your children. Your children are vulnerable and they need you whole and healthy. You are the backbone and foundation of your immediate family.
