April 17th will mark the four year anniversary of my marriage, and I thought it an opportune time to share some things I have learned about men, marriage, relationships, and children. I do not claim to be a wealth of knowledge, because, let's not kid ourselves, I believe that there are those couples out there who have endured....er...enjoyed much longer marriages than I. (Please, before we begin, remember to cloak your sense of humor about your person as you would an old and well loved blanket, and for heaven's sake, lighten up, Frances).
As I was thinking about this post, I formed a list, a tabulation if you will, of all of the things marriage has taught me over the last four years. I think the best way to press on is to simply share that list with you now. Some things I will choose to elaborate on, and some, well, some just speak for themselves. Gird your loins.
Never Let a Man Pick Furniture
If you go to a furniture store with your husband, please, for the love of God, do not allow him near the bean bags, the mattresses, or the bright colors. Something about these things causes a grown man (who you previously believed to possess at least a shred of dignity) to behave like a child of four. He will crash ungracefully into the bean bags, exclaim that they are the only thing he wants in the living room and refuse to move until you agree. At this point he may even hold his breath until he turns an interesting shade of blue. Resist! Giving in now will only teach him to repeat this appalling behavior in the future. He will roll about on the mattresses and sing 99 monkeys jumpin' on the bed... At this point you must endeavor to keep your distance and pretend he does not belong to you. And he will, without fail, be drawn to the brightest and most offensive primary colors in the store and want to purchase one of each. He will be utterly unable to understand why you do not want furniture that looks like a Crayola box, but he doesn't need to.
He just needs to understand that you will not be patterning your home decor after your child's kindergarden room. There really is no deciphering why he will do these things, as that would require a wife to delve too deeply into the depths of her husband's psyche, an activity which a rational woman should endeavor to stay away from. If you must take him along to the furniture store, make sure he is well rested, has a full belly, and that you have toys (keys, cell phone, anything shiny or electronic) to distract him from the above top three pitfalls.Let Husband Be The Protector
Allow your husband to sleep on the side of the bed that is closest to the door. This way, he can feel that he is protecting you. Reassure him that you have never felt so safe as when he sits up in bed half asleep, does the signature karate chop move with his hands and whips his head back and forth doing "recon". Don't Criticize His Kitchen Cleaning Skills
Try not to criticize the way he cleans the kitchen. We all know that for some reason, men are physically incapable of putting dishes in the diswasher without completely flooding the entire house, but he's really doing his best. And when he doesn't wipe the counters down, try to remember that his brain cannot compute the fact that this chore is actually a part of doing the dishes.He's Really Trying
I learned in the first year of marriage that when your husband leaves the casserole dish in the sink to "soak", it doesn't get any cleaner when you subsequently throw it into the backyard.Get The Truth From Him
Have a sincere desire for a turthful answer to the question, "Does this make my butt look fat?" Quite frankly, if it does make your butt look fat, then, well, your butt might be fat, and if this is the case, he already knows. However, he not only loves you in spite of your fat butt, he still thinks you're the most exquisite creature he's ever seen (unless he's a hunter, in which case he just can't get enough of those stinky deer horns, or antlers, whatever they're called). In any case, you do not want to leave the house with an accentuated fat butt, so in this one instance, use him as a fashion consultant.Make Him Feel Smart
Ask your husband, if he is a hunter, whether deer have horns or antlers. This will save much confusion in the future.Dress Him Up
Never allow your husband to dress himself for a special occasion unless he has previously proven himself trustworthy. You cannot have him showing up to your sister's wedding in slacks with tennis shoes and a shirt that is not even tucked in.Hold Hands
Allow him to hold your hand when you cross the street.Hold Hands Some More
Hold his hand in public.Let Him Indulge In His Manly Fascinations
You are not required to understand his fascination with your 2 year old son's Tonka Trucks, but let him indulge it once in awhile, even when your son is taking a nap.Talk in Bed
Some of our best conversations have taken place as we lay in bed with the lights out. If you start to hear snoring mid-sentence, kick him, or touch is bare back with your cold feet. Try To Let Him Change Diapers His Own Way
Try, Try, Try! Sure, he may do it backwards, or too loose, or find some other inventive way to screw up what should be a simple task, but he'll get the hang of it. And my goodness, what woman in her right mind would not want her husband changing diapers?Watch Him Play With the Kids
Watch him play with your children, and store those memories in your heart. I love how God made dads! Daddies will let their young children walk farther ahead, take more chances (safely), and allow them to do more things for themselves. As mamas, we nurture, protect, and fix, which is wonderful. Daddies complement that by allowing the occasional scraped knee to teach its own lesson. This is a hard one for us mama bears to accept, but I think we need to.Do Stuff On Your Own
Use Monday Night Football as an opportunity to get housework done with out a pesky, if well intentioned, husband underfoot. Let Him Be Your Knight in Shining Armor.
There are too few gentlemen left in the world today; let your husband be yours.Be His Biggest Supporter
When he sings "Oh I am a big strong man, and I live in this house! My pants are long and my shoes are big, and I am in the shower!" to the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game while showering, and then gets out and says, "that is a song I wrote for you" give him a standing ovation. Contrive not to roll your eyes while he can still see you.Never Fight in Front of Your Kids
It takes the sting out of your snappy comebacks of you have to spell them so your toddler won't know what you're saying. You don't want him calling his pre-school teacher an ass hat after all. And a-s-s hat just doesn't have the same zing.
So there are seventeen things. I have more, but I thought since my anniversary is the 17th, that might be a good number to end on. Ah, to wax sentimental. Perhaps I will post a second installment as these revelations keep coming to me. After all, I have a long and happy life ahead of me.
James Christopher, I love you. You are my true north, my knight in shining armor, and the best Daddy I have ever had the fortune to witness. Happy Anniversary. By the bye, I left a little wish list, complete with pictures, with the manager at Samuels Jewelers...
