I recently read an article where a Grandma solicits advice from an advice columnist on what to do about her errant grandson, aged 12. It seems he's not a danger to himself or society, but he is fresh to his parents and listens to them only when he feels like it. To my surprise the columnist - who shall remain nameless to preclude litigation - stated in BOLD PRINT that the Grandma should “get with the times” and realize that all pre-pubescent boys these days behave in a similar fashion. So what's the gripe about?
Well, I don't know if the Grandma has swallowed her complaint, but I'm feeling a touch of reflux. Yep. Here it comes, it's sliding right out and there it went. WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO OUR ROLE MODELS?! Whereas I am disturbed that pre-adolescents engage in rude and obnoxious behavior, this has and will always be the raison d'être for good parenting. And that an adult can advocate and accept such behavior as normative and denounce a caring relative for bringing it to the forefront is astounding.
We all know our youth is in trouble today; the media constantly bombards us with visual, verbal and written verification of their declension. And a constructive, but not often expressed, reason for this crisis that impacts upon all the other strata in society - younger and older - is the lack of proper parenting. Many parents today, for the most part, are lax in disciplining their children. I'm not speaking of physical punishment, although a little smack in an appropriately cushioned spot never hurt anyone. I'm referring to word-of-mouth support or repudiation of what they say and do. It is up to us, the grown ups, to govern their actions, guide them along the path to good citizenship, promote good values by patting them on the back or the backside, depending on their merits or deficits.
Unfortunately, many grown-ups today are either too busy or too self-involved to administer praise and punishment in the proper doses. If you have a child, it is high time you stopped trying to find yourself or you may lose him or her in the process. And please don't tell me that you're working for the kids, so you can take them on vacation or buy them the new CD player. A child doesn't need a vacation or a new CD player. Those are luxuries. What a child needs is a concerned parent - or if he or she is lucky two concerned parents - who is around to talk to, lecture, monitor activities, censor, yell at, laugh with and just plain spend time getting to know him or her.
You cannot parent over the cell phone. This is one activity for which attendance is required. And food and presents are not worthy substitutes for parental involvement. So what's the solution?
Well, it took us time to develop the problem, so let's not get puerile and think this has a quick fix. But let me state, unequivocally, that once you bring a child into this world, your first responsibility is him or her. You cannot be career-obsessed anymore. Remember, this child did not ask to be born. You made the decision; therefore you have to assume its nurturance at least for the next eighteen years. And that doesn't just mean providing the minimum daily requirements: food, clothing and shelter. It means love and love takes time.
I heard a widow eulogizing her husband on television and she said that her husband always took his grandchildren to the lake near their home to feed the ducks. Then she pointed to her young grandchildren and expounded, “when they think of him they won't dwell on the business he worked hard at so that he could leave it to their parents. They'll remember the ducks.” And isn't that a beautiful legacy?
Now please don't think me shrill. I know there are a lot of wonderful parents out there doing the best they can for their kids.
