He's Gone, The Marriage is Over and You're Divorced! (Now What?)
You've heard the stories, read about them, and talked to friends and family members about divorce nightmares so horrible that you cringed at the thought of it ever happening to you. But it did happen; and now you have your story to tell. As you eye newly signed divorce papers staring you in the face, you realize that it's official, he's gone, the marriage is over and you're divorced. You ask yourself the question: “Now What?” Should you be happy? Sad? Regretful? Or downright thankful because he's gone and you've been set free?
For each of us dealing with the riggers of divorce, our emotions can vary as much as our clothing size. Whether it's our first, second or third divorce, we deal with them differently. Some of us want to throw a happily divorced party because the albatross weighting us down is gone. Others want to cry profusely because of the devastating reality that their two, five, ten or twenty-year marriage is over and he isn't coming back.
Many of us have lain in our lonely beds staring up at the ceiling after the departure of a husband with Kleenex on one side and photos of a past life on the other. Just as we have pondered the mysteries of the universe, we've pondered the W's of divorce:
First we ask Why: Why did he do this? Why was I such a fool? Why didn't I see this coming? Why do I keep picking the wrong man? Why can't I get him out of my heart?
The next question is Was: Was I not a good wife? Was I too fat…to skinny? Was I no longer young and pretty enough? Was I not sexually satisfying? Was I a dummy for marrying him in the first place?
The last question is What: What went wrong in our marriage? What about the children? What kind of man could do something like this? What am I going to do now? And some of us simply say, What the F##////??? Happened?
For some women, like my friend, Marjorie, divorce was a welcomed relief from a deadbeat husband who had ruined his credit and was on the verge of ruining hers.
Marjorie's 20-year marriage to a weekend drunkard ended with her losing her home to foreclosure, the loss of her new car and her savings, because if he wasn't drinking he was gambling and losing whatever funds he…she… and they, jointly acquired. For her, divorce was a happy occasion, because although she had lost practically all of her material possessions, she was able to salvage what was most important to her, her sanity.
After the divorce, Marjorie continued to work. She rebuilt her savings, brought a new car, and three years later she purchased a bigger, better and newer home. Now there's only one name on the deed…. HER'S! When she posed the question to her two teenage boys, “do you miss daddy?” They both replied in unison, “NO.” And neither did she. Two weeks after the final divorce, Marjorie threw one of the best parties that I've ever attended.
However, for others, divorce can be a heart wrenching experience. I'm no stranger to divorce. I've been through it three times: The first one really hurt! He was handsome, professional and extremely selfish. Three months into the marriage and happily pregnant, he wanted me to abort our child. Children would interfere with his career was his usual excuse. Our home was to house only one baby…. HIM! I said no. He said goodbye and we divorced. The second divorce hurt worse. Married to a well-to-do abuser, I lived well, but he'd slap me for something as simple as unintentionally adding too much salt to a meal that I was cooking; and I cooked everyday. You do the math. Then came the third divorce, married to a womanizer and a liar. This story is too horrible to tell. But I will say this; we married in January 2007 by August of the same year we were separated. I was thinking eternity; he was thinking escape. In short, three weeks after we returned from our first vacation he left me and moved in with another woman (a former girlfriend). Unbeknownst to me, he had still been seeing her the entire time we were married.
The devastation of my third divorce forced me to ask myself the question, “Now What?” Two very powerful words, because I realize NOW that it's my turn to start over again, NOW it's time for me to open my eyes and see the warning signs before saying, I DO. NOW I know that I don't need a man in order to make my life complete. NOW it's time for me to thank God for my life and stop asking him WHAT am I going to do NOW that my husband is gone. Instead, I'll be like Nike' and just do it!
If you're contemplating divorce, before you go through with it, give your husband every conceivable opportunity to be the man that he should be. But if he's the type of man that always throws in your face the words “I'm leaving.” Let him leave, or you'll hear it the rest of your life. You burned the biscuits, “I'm leaving.” You didn't make the bed, “I'm leaving.” You don't look like a Victoria Secret model, “I'm leaving.” If you're married to a man like this, honey…. open the door, push him out and change the locks. Goodbye! P.S. Don't forget his clothes.
If you're going through a divorce and there's no possible chance of reconciliation, start thinking of life without him. As much and as often as you can, do things that make you happy. Make new friends, find a hobby, change your hair color, and get a new look if you're tired of the old one. Find your niche. Do something for you.
If you're in the final stages of divorce or the divorce is final, never close the door on love. Dry your tears, wash your face, comb your hair, put on your make-up and move on. Put the pain of that past life behind you and find your passion. Begin to live again. True love could be just around the corner. How will you know it's true love? Because he'll love you back.
