When two families merge and create one, everyone needs to adjust, give and take, and, most of all, be patient.
When I remarried seven years ago, I felt very fortunate. My three children and two soon-to-be stepchildren all got along. Despite the ten-year age span everyone was comfortable with, understanding and considerate of each other.
Unfortunately not all step-families have this experience. It's what I refer to as the "Cinderella Effect". With visions of wicked stepmothers and evil stepsisters, this is how, as a child myself, I had envisioned step-families.
Nowadays the traditional nuclear family is the minority. Step-families, single parent households and, more often than decades ago, grandparents who are repeating parenting roles, are more common.
When you put two families together, here are some important rules to remember and consider. I followed all of these and maybe that's why my step-family has clicked.
Don't Push
Don't expect all kids to get along immediately. Allow them time and space. The harder you try to get them to bond, the more they may resent it and retaliate.
Individual Quality Time
Don't do everything together as a group, especially during the "honeymoon" period. Just as siblings (natural, half or step) need a break from one another, parents need to realize that individual time with their own children is important and shouldn't be overlooked.
Each Child Has A Place
Combining two households also means blending two of everything. Living quarters will quickly become crowded and overstocked. Make sure that every child, full time residents and alternating weekend residents, have their own space. Whether it is a dresser, half of the closet area or a shelf in the bathroom linen closet. Simple acts of sharing go a long way.
Family Privacy Act
Once the kids have their drawer, shelf or own storage area, respect it and their property. When the non-custodial's children come to visit, try and make sure that everything of theirs is where they left it. Remind full time children not to snoop. Privacy is important and invasion of that privacy is hard to forgive.
Rules For One and One Rule For All
Maintain and keep consistent with the kid's rules. Set the rules for all children, with the childrens' input, and make sure all children abide them. Devise a chore chart and stick to it. Make sure all children do their fair share. Keeping rules consistent should help prevent favoritism and animosity. Equal treatment should spread around. Fairness is easily seen and mutual respect evolves.
Judge and Jury
If rules are enforced, harmony should follow. But not in all instances. As the parents and adults in this newly formed family unit, you both need to decide how discipline will be enforced and who will do it. Important questions to ask are: Does the stepparent have the authority to discipline? And if so, how extensively? Make
sure the kids know that both parents have the power and that everyone must follow the rules, take the disciplinary action and be held accountable for their actions. The kids should understand not to hold the (step)parent responsible for the punishment.
Real Or Artificial
Family holiday traditions are loved and looked forward to all year long. But when a combined family is faced with holidays and its preparations, who decides which to use? And which ones are better? Will that be every year or alternating years? The best, and easiest, solution would be to take a little from each family history and start a whole a new family tradition. Have each of the children pick their favorite past ritual and combine efforts. All involved need to create a happy medium. Both parents need to be complete agreement and stand together on the decisions.
Recently my fourteen-year old daughter told me that it's been seven years since we merged our families…so in five years her and her stepsister will be real sisters. For some unknown reason they have to wait a dozen years before becoming “true” sisters.
Our home is forever changing and we've adjusted well I'd like to think. Our family of seven has altered slightly… now we have six living under one roof. We lost one, are losing one more but have gained two. Gone is my oldest daughter (graduation and time to move on) and my son has moved back in temporarily, my stepson is heading back to his mom's from our summer visitation and my nephew from my first marriage has settled into the nest.
And with this recent changing of the residence, we'll revert back to our basic rules and hopefully live happily ever after…and after…and after, pending when and who comes back to our nest.
