A few months ago I observed a mother attempting to coax her twin daughters out of the swimming pool at my gym. As mom was drying off one girl, the second child slowly released the pool toys, which had been gathered up and placed in a neat pile, back into the pool. One by one they floated off and when mom finally turned around and saw the mess it was too late to stop it. What followed was a good 15 minutes of mom alternately begging and screaming threats at her daughter to get her to gather up the toys. I've never seen a child move so slowly. Mom was furious, but without a bathing suit she was stuck on dry land as her 5 year-old took her time gathering the toys and floating to and fro in the pool.
Today I observed another mother whose child was calling the shots. Mom came to the pool and told her daughter that they would be there for twenty minutes and then they would have to go. When it came time to leave, the daughter promptly ignored her mother's pleadings and finally mom gave up and went to sit down in a chair. 5 minutes later she tried again, this time she had success.
Toddlers are complex beings. They want control because they are learning to be independent, but they also need someone to be in control because they are not yet able to care for themselves. They need consistency and a parent who will stand by the boundaries they set. Everything in a toddler's world is changing. She is growing, becoming more adept at grasping our language, learning to run, jump, and climb. No wonder she is always testing the limits and trying to figure out what has changed since she has woken up this morning. Unfortunately, she does not have the ability to set her own limits or to know what is good for her. This is why it is so important for parents to be parents. Set the boundaries; be consistent about the rules that are set in place.
There is great danger if a child does not have consistent boundaries. The child will need to test the parents more and more as she searches for consistency. This time will mom really mean what she says? And when a child is testing everything, you get dangerous behavior, like a child running into the road. Or a child jumping into the deep end of a pool with no regard for, or understanding of, the danger she is in. It may not seem like a big deal that a child isn't listening when mom tells her it's time to leave, but at what point does the child realize that obeying mom is not an option, it is a must. How does a child know whether mom is serious this time, as opposed to the previous fourteen times when she didn't follow through on her empty threats?
Consistency is the key. A child learns quickly that you mean what you say if you follow through on your threats. So think things through before you tell your child that you'll never bring her back to the pool. Of course you will bring her back. She knows it and you know it, especially if you've told her in the past that you aren't bringing her back--and now here you are at the pool with the same empty threat. Be ready to do what you tell her you'll do. It will be painful at first, but in the end she will learn to obey and you will both be happier since she's learned that lesson.
Have reasonable punishments. If the pool is a good way for your child to burn off energy, don't threaten to take that from her for good. Time how long it takes her to get out of the pool, and then the next time you go to the pool she can lose that much of her pool-play time. Make her sit and watch everyone else play for the first eight minutes, and when it comes time for her to leave that day, remind her of the consequences if she doesn't obey. The experience of sitting out earlier should be enough of a reminder to garner cooperation. Be creative with the consequences for misbehavior. There is a lot to be said for having the punishment fit the crime.
When communicating with your child, make eye contact. If I sit there and rattle off commands to my son as he's running by, odds are he didn't catch a single thing that I said. Instead, I have to pull him out of whatever activity he is doing, have him look me in the eye, and then he's able to hear and understand what I am telling him. He's often happy to comply once he realizes that all of the blabbing he heard in the background was directed at him.
Give warnings to transition your child. Toddlers don't adjust well to change, especially if they are leaving behind a fun activity for one that is less desirable. For example, leaving the pool to go home and take a nap is a tough transition for a child. In our family, we give two minute warnings. When two minutes are up, I tell him. He may cry and complain as he transitions, but he does obey.
Be ready for periods of re-testing. There are days and sometimes weeks when my son re-tests those boundaries that have been set up. Be ready to stick to your guns during these frustrating times. Remember that a toddler's world is constantly changing so your child is going to find solace in the fact that there are some things in his world that won't change.
As a former middle school teacher, I've seen the importance of teaching a child from a young age that they must respect your authority. If a child doesn't learn to obey you at a young age (when you can still pick her up and take her out of the pool if necessary), she won't obey you when she is older. And there comes an age when you can no longer physically be in control of your child, so she needs to be taught from an early age that you expect obedience. I've seen the devastation that parents cause because they are too tired of parenting to keep up the effort. I've seen the child desperately searching for something that would ruffle mom and dad's feathers. It is heartbreaking. Set the boundaries. Be the parent. Your child needs it. No one else will love and look out for your child like you will, but it is hard work.
Discipline isn't something that our culture teaches us to think of as love, but ultimately that is the only thing that motivates me to discipline my child. If I didn't worry that disobedience might lead to his death, I wouldn't bother punishing him. I like to see him smile. I hate it when he cries. But because I know that heeding my instructions will bring him life, I will break my own heart a million times over.
