Watching cartoons, playing with mud and trying to build clubhouses are a thing of the past. I-pods, music videos, video games and cell phones have taken their place. Your child has not been possessed by a demon. Your little one just morphed into a pre-teen or teen without your consent or full knowledge. How dare they do that to you by surprise attack!!!
Remember when you were one of them? You thought that you were invincible, nothing could hurt you and you could do everything on your own. You made a few (or more) mistakes, learned and moved on to become an adult. Just like when you had your child no one could predict what those early years would turn out to be like, the same still goes for dealing with your pre-teen or teen. No day will be alike and all situations have changed from this day forward. You can survive this. Your parents did and you will as well.
Looking back, try to remember how you felt as a teen. You were just as scared (or maybe even more) and trying to act like you were afraid of nothing at all, depending on your life at home. Maybe in your time, both of your parents were your biological parents, not a step-father or step-mother as many children of today are living because of divorce, etc. So, it is a lot different for today's children. With so many obstacles that our children now have to face, it's a wonder that they are able to become “normal” adults.
DEALING WITH ALL OF THE CHANGES
We all deal with stress in our daily lives. It's almost impossible to escape it. It just becomes a part of our everyday lives, we deal with it and live to deal with it again tomorrow. For a teen, stress comes from school, family and just realizing that he or she needs to grow up and get ready for the future. We, as parents, sometimes tend to criticize our children because we are afraid that they will make the same mistakes that we made and/or become criminals.
We fail to see that our child is not only a pre-teen or teen but a pre-adult and end up trying to protect our offspring a little too much for their comfort. My husband and I made a decision when we were married that our kids (3 from my previous marriage and 1 from our marriage) were able to come to us for anything.
They would be able to tell us anything and we weren't to judge but talk about options and solutions. Our oldest was almost 11 when we were married and we figured that we had a lot of time before we would be running in to any problems with him but we were so wrong. We would have to deal with his changing attitude on a day to day basis. There were many times that he had a problem and was too embarrassed to talk to us about it. Of course we knew that something wasn't quite right and tried to coax it out of him.
That's where we figured out the golden rule of “Let them come to you”. You cannot try to force it out of them. It will only make them feel like you are trying to probe where you shouldn't and that you are trying to treat them as little babies.
So, when he had a problem with someone picking on him in middle school and wouldn't tell us directly, we decided that we needed to let him come to us when he felt that he could trust in the fact that we wouldn't try to step in or carry him away like a baby. Of course he later told us about the
bully. At first I wanted to call the school and have a meeting with the boy's parents and the school staff but sometimes stepping back is the best thing to do and it does depend on the situation too.
If our son was being beaten up then we would've definitely stepped in a lot sooner. For example if you have heard that maybe your daughter or son is getting into drugs and you see a change in their grades and behavior, then you will need to step up to the plate. Don't be overly critical and judgmental because that can make matters worse. You wouldn't want them to run away from home or do anything else. Open the doors for communication. Don't try to judge them but don't try to be their best friend. It's a thin line that is so hard to see. They need to be able to say to themselves that they can talk to you without being yelled at and treated like a baby.
