How to Negotiate with Teenagers

Teenagers can be notoriously difficult. Here are some tips for negotiation:

1. Allow teenagers to be involved in making house rules. Balance rights and responsibilities. Examples could be, the teenager is allowed to go out at the weekends but must help wash up and finish homework. Refer back to these rules if any are broken.
2. If you constantly have the same argument with your teenager, instead of going over the same ground again, summarise their position in your own words. Sounds silly? It may be that the argument has come up so many times because you have misunderstood what they were saying, or they may just feel you are not listening.
3. Do not feel you have to offer incentives for everything. A teenager is old enough to be helping out around the house and doing their school work because they should, not just because they will get new things. A reward for doing even the most basic thing leads to a sense of entitlement; though there is nothing wrong with offering something as gratitude for an extra special effort or a one-off task.
4. If you have to intervene between two arguing teenagers, who both want opposing things, ask them why they want this. It may be, for example, that both want to use the hair dryer, but one needs it now and one later. Do not enforce a compromise, or both will feel resentful.
5. If your teenager is screaming that you are being unreasonable while being highly unreasonable themselves, once in a while it can be an idea to use someone else as an intermediary. The second they have to talk to someone else, their demands will be more reasonable and you may find you have already reached a compromise. Do not do this too often, however, as you do want to retain parental authority.
6. Do not assume that their bad behavior is always your fault. Teenager are undergoing hormonal fluctuations and mood swings. A huge temper tantrum now may well have died down within an hour. Although it is hard, try not to take any insults personally, but make it clear that they are inappropriate.
7. Try not to compare them to you at their age. We are all different and, chances are, your memories will be totally different to those of your parents! There are different expectations and pressures today and while you should not let your children run riot for an easy life, it is important to consider their needs.
8. If dialogue has descended into “yes!” “no!” “I hate you!” there is little point in continuing. There is nothing worse than saying “calm down” to an angry teenager, but say you are going to take a break and you will discuss it later.
9. Allowing teenagers to take part in household decisions gives them a sense of security, and shows their opinion is valued. Do not allow them to direct or totally change the direction of the decision, but listen to their concerns and explain any major changes. A teenager who is told you are moving without so much as seeing a picture of the new house will not be happy.
10. Teenagers are young adults and should be treated as such. Do not respond to slammed doors or name-calling. Make it clear that this is not the way to behave. If they are reasonable, then respond positively even if you do not agree with them. By this I do not mean “do whatever they say” but acknowledge that it is a sensible thing to say, and maybe when they are a little older or there is more money coming in it will be possible.