Help Your Shy Teen Step Out

“You have the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen,” the boy said to me.

My gaze dropped to the floor and I felt the breath freeze in my lungs and color rise in my pale cheeks. I thought the words "thank you", but knew they never made it past my lips. When I looked up, he was gone.

I could have kicked myself. The boy wasn't out of line; the comment wasn't rude or inappropriate. So why couldn't I answer him? Why couldn't I just have a conversation like a normal person? I hoped with all that was in me that he would try again, that I would be prepared and that the stupid shyness that seemed to plague my every movement would somehow disappear.

The boy didn't try again, and it took me years to overcome my shyness. It caused untold hours of loneliness and sorrow, self-recrimination and remorse. I often wished, as that shy teenager, that someone could just tell me how to break out of my shell. There had to be a way, I reasoned, but finding it was always just beyond my reach.

Shy teens suffer. So how do you help your shy teenager make friends and step out of the isolation? While it's not easy, it is not impossible.

Shy people tend to avoid eye contact. This is simple instinct for them, but for others the averted eyes indicate dishonesty or mistrust. While this is simply a sad misunderstanding, it is easy enough to change. Instruct your teen to make eye contact with people. Let them know what others think of the lack of this skill and gently encourage them to increase the frequency with which tey meet another's gaze. This is the first step to the perception of friendliness. It is the first step to liberation from the shell shy teens build around themselves. Your child can practice making eye contact with cashiers at stores, waiters and waitresses and other less-threatening individuals. While it is vitally important to the teen what peers think of them, the opinion of these peripheral people is less important.

It's also tough to smile when you're shy. Amazingly, fear of judgment reaches even to that most natural of social reactions. Unfortunately, a non-smiling, scared face does not invite interaction. People tend to veer away from people who don't smile, and toward those who do. Again, encourage your teen to practice on the family and service persons, building up the confidence to smile at peers.

We tend to befriend people who share interests with us. By joining clubs or organizations that interest them, shy teens are more likely to meet peers with like interests. While the thought of entering a strange room full of new people may be frightening, it is one way for your teen to strengthen their resolve, increase their self-confidence and make friends. Remind them that it might take several meetings for them to find someone they're really interested in befriending, but that in the end it will be well worth the effort. Teens who feel at ease with a specific teacher or coach may wish to find out if that teacher sponsors any clubs. It may ease a bit of anxiety to have a familiar adult in the room for those first few meetings.

Help your shy teen shed the chains of fear and judgment. I was so insecure in my own abilities, looks and talents that I felt like I was constantly on the judgment seat. If kids were whispering, I felt they might be (and probably were) whispering about me. I know now that the odds of that (at least every time) were astronomical. Had I only realized that other teens had the same insecurities, to one degree or another, many of my anxieties might have fled. No teen is as self-assured as some of them seem to be. No one is constantly right, or constantly wrong. By reminding themselves of this fact on a regular basis, your teen can build his/her self-esteem without pulling away at someone else's.

Encourage them to concentrate on things they do well. Either at home or at school, help them participate in edifying projects or jobs. Every bit of confidence building will help your teen find self-worth and the courage to venture into the frightening world of peers.

Once your shy teen has made a few friends through improved self-image, making eye contact, smiling and participating in activities of interest, it's important to cultivate the fledgling friendship. Try to provide a non-threatening environment to which they can invite these classmates. At your home, in front of a movie or game board, in a small book club or at the mall, your teen can get to know their new friend in a more personal setting. This is where true friendships are born.

It isn't necessary to convert your shy teen to extrovert-status. We're all wired differently, and some people will always be quieter, more reserved individuals. But being comfortable inside their own skin are and interacting with others takes the edge off their lives, takes the anxiety from their day and gives them the freedom to enjoy themselves and others. That is the gift you can give your shy teen.