How many times have you wondered why your child chose to what he did? Sometimes it seems they are just trying to make our lives miserable. If you're like most parents, you often wish that children came with instruction manuals! Kids' behavior, though, is not really as mysterious as it sometimes seems. Let's uncover the keys to understanding behavior together.
First of all, all human behavior is purposeful. Every single thing that a person does is to help achieve a goal or avoid some unpleasantness. For us adults, this translates into behaviors like getting up on time to avoid the stress of being late, keeping the house clean because we understand how housekeeping impacts mental and physical health, and going to work each day because our jobs provide paychecks or personal satisfaction, or some other reward. Kids are no different. They also are trying to accomplish goals or avoid unpleasant outcomes. Because they are children, though, their motives might not match up with what we expect as adults.
If we want to change behaviors, we have to figure out what the underlying purpose is. This can take some detective work, because children are not miniature adults, and they think differently than we do at times. Kids also don't have the same level of self-awareness and communication skills that we do, so they might not be able to express their needs and wants clearly. Whether consciously or not, they choose behaviors that they think will help them get what they want.
Many troubling behaviors are rooted in misdirected attempts to satisfy important needs. Everyone wants to feel comfortable, for example. Kids, especially young ones, may act out when they are uncomfortable because they don't have the self-awareness and language skills to identify and express needs like this. They might bicker and whine when tired, or simply cry when they are really thirsty. Poor behavior can be caused by fatigue, hunger, thirst, discomfort, illness, or even having to use the bathroom!
Another strong need is the need for attention. We all want and need attention from others, but as adults, we recognize when we experience loneliness, feel unappreciated, or have similar feelings. Kids may not. Instead, they seek attention in the way that has worked best in the past: misbehaving. The old saying tells us that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Even most inattentive adults sit up and take notice when rules are being violated. Most of us can't claim the same reliability when our kids do something positive. We may be too busy or preoccupied to notice. It doesn't take too many experiences before many children conclude, consciously or subconsciously, that poor behavior is the best way to get adults to pay attention to them.
People also seek novelty and diversion. We don't like to be bored. Children's behavior is sometimes directed at relieving boredom, and they can conceive of some outstanding ways to liven things up that don't always meet with adult approval.
Another basic need that all people have is the need for growth, independence and freedom. Children are designed to grow and change, and they will seek those changes through their behavior. If kids feel stifled or trapped, they may behave in unacceptable ways to express those feelings. Many behavioral battles take place over the differences between what the kids think they should be allowed to do and what the parents are willing to permit. It's also important that people feel loved and valued. Our self-esteem depends on it. Children can easily misunderstand our efforts to direct behavior as being personal attacks on their being. Sometimes they lash out against perceived mistreatment or demeaning.
These are just a few possible goals for behaviors. Remember that behavior can also be driven by trying to avoid something negative. Kids may want to avoid extra work or to keep from losing something important to them. Behaviors all have purposes, and it's up to us adults to discover them.
Secondly, people repeat behaviors that have had positive outcomes. We all hope for the same good things to happen again when we do action A. A child who discovers that breaking a rule will bring attention will continue to break rules. A child who gets what he wants by whining will whine more and more. The trickiest part is that we often misunderstand what's desirable and undesirable to a child. To us, sending a child to his room for punishment may seem undesirable. We think of the limits on freedom and the isolation as being punitive. However, the child may see it differently. In the solitude of his or her room, there are no demands for improved behavior, no adults bugging, and possibly even toys to play with! Another example is the concept of suspension from school for violations of rules. School officials view this as the ultimate consequence: the student misses out on educational opportunities and is further penalized by low grades since coursework generally cannot be made up. If the student doesn't value those things (and many who are suspended do not), suspension is a free vacation! Guess why school suspension is often an ineffective technique for changing behavior. People have different opinions about what constitutes a desirable and an undesirable outcome.
Finally, immediate rewards are far more powerful than delayed ones, and tangible rewards are more powerful than intangible. A child who clowns around is immediately rewarded by the attention and laughter of the group. It doesn't matter that a few seconds later a punishment is applied by the teacher. The immediate reward is more powerful, and the antics are likely to continue. A child who secretly takes things that don't belong to him is likely to continue because the tangible reward, the thing stolen, will be a more powerful lure than the occasional loss of privilege for stealing when or if he gets caught.
So there's the nutshell version. Children's behavior is purposeful. They want to achieve a goal or avoid a negative outcome. The goals and definition of good/bad outcome is very individualized and also differs between children and adults. Immediate or tangible rewards are more powerful and will outweigh delayed or intangible rewards. These are the key concepts that we can use to help children learn to behave. By decoding the purpose for the behavior, we might be able to address that need in a different way. We can change the outcome of the behavior to be less positive than it would be naturally. We can figure out what actually is rewarding the child and what actually is a negative outcome and use that information to manipulate the situation. We can intervene in behavioral situations by offering more immediate or more tangible rewards for awhile to countermand the natural outcomes of the undesirable behavior. These basic tools make it possible to help us learn to teach our kids to behave in desirable ways and they help us guide them on the path to self-control and responsible adulthood.
