An amazing thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago.
My Mom and I get together for a sleep-over at her apartment every two weeks.
On my last visit, my Mom turned to me and out of the blue said “I don't think I've ever actually said this to you out loud before but - I love you.”
Now this may not seem like such an amazing thing for some people but it was a very special moment for the both of us.
My Mom grew up in a family where she was not allowed to express her emotions and say how she feels.
She was taught and naturally knew how to show love in other ways like doing things for my sisters, brother and I such as taking care of us and always being there for us no matter what.
My Mom would also write “I love you” on cards and in more recent years she started hugging us which was another thing she was not allowed to do as a child which was to show physical affection like hugging or kissing.
I have always felt loved by my Mom and never doubted how she felt about me or the rest of the family, it was just really nice to see her leave her comfort zone and be so open and vulnerable - I know because I realized that I had never actually said “ I love you” to her either.
So I said “I love you too” and we had a big hug and cry.
It was a huge step for her because not only was she going against her upbringing, she had also come into the awareness recently that different people show love in different ways and people also receive love in different ways and she was willing to take the initiative to give love in a way that doesn't necessarily come naturally to her.
What I mean is that people give and receive love in what is called communication modes or communication love channels.
What is a communication mode/love channel? We all learn, express love and communicate through different communication modes or combinations of modes. There are 4 main communication modes and up to 16 combinations of the 4 main modes.
If people are not giving and receiving in the same love channels, they may not be able to “tune-in” to one another, like two people trying to communicate on two different radio stations.
So one person may be showing love in his/her communication channel but the person who is receiving it is not on the same communication channel and is not feeling the other person's love.
For example, some people show love by saying “I love you” and feel loved when someone says to them “I love you” whereas there are other people out there who show love by doing things for others and feel loved when someone does something for them.
This is why you often hear adult sons or daughters say to their Mom or Dad “I never felt loved growing up because you never said “I love you to me”
Their Mom or Dad respond by saying “Well, I always did things for you and I was there for you, isn't that enough to show you I love you?”
Another example is an adult son or daughter will say to his/her Mom or Dad “You never showed me that you love me and you never hugged me when I was growing up.”
The upset parents respond by saying “But I always told you I love you.”
There are 4 mains ways (or communication modes/communicant love channels) that people give and receive love, known as Visual, Auditory, Digital and Kinesthetic - so I thought it would be a nice way of expressing love to your Mom by covering all the ways to express love in these modes.
I'll give a brief definition of each communication mode, a quick way for you to be able to tell what your Mom's communication mode is and some examples of how to actually “give” love in those modes.
Your Mom can be one, two, three or a combination of all four communication modes and some modes may be stronger than others.
VISUAL people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people.
A quick way to tell if your Mom is a Visual Person is if she in a conversation she will say things like “I see or do you see what I mean”
