An Asian traveler when returning to his home from vacationing in the United States was asked “What was one of the most interesting things you saw in America?” The traveler replied “The amazing thing was how the children told what the parents what to do”.
Truth be told, this traveler's comment is probably very accurate in many families in the United States.
Why? Listed below are a few reasons why this happens:
- The economy now requires both parents to work to make ends meet; so the parents feel guilty and spoil their children
- High increase in divorce and not enough parental guidance in the home
- Single parent families
- Drugs
- Child Abuse Laws
- Violent music, movies etc
- School's lack of concern
- Peer Pressure
- Parents can't or don't know how to communicate
- Parents never received a guideline on how to manage their children
There are probably many other reasons we can think of that make our children behave the way they do. The main reason is that IT'S THE PARENT'S FAULT. Most parents by this time will get offended and say “But I give my children everything”. Yes! You probably do - that may be part of the problem.
No matter what the reason, our society has created this idea that disciplining children is wrong. Parents want children to like them. Parents want the kids to be friends with them. Wake up and smell the roses people. These kids need parents not friends. We cannot be afraid of disciplining them for fear of them not liking us.
My grandmother always said “Better they hate you now and love you later”. Ok as indicated on the list above, physical discipline is a problem because of the new Child Abuse Laws. Even the kids know the laws and often will say “I'll call the police if you hit me”.
So I have a secret method that will work in most children under the age of 10 about 90% of the time.
Step 1
- Tell they are the ones that are in control
- Tell them they have always been in control and didn't even know they had that power over the parents
- Tell them they could probably get their way all the time and don't even know how
OK By now they are probably very intrigued as to what powers they have and how they can tap into this power to get what they want.
In fact, by now I think your curiosity is peeked and you think I'm crazy.
Let's move on to Step 2:
Step 2
- Ask them if they know what their parents like?
- Ask them what things make your parents happy?
- What happens when you do the things they like? For instance, get good grades, clean room, do chores, don't talk back etc
If you, as parents, have not gotten it by now you will.
Step 3
- Tell the kids, if you know what they like and know what makes them happy and know what they are capable of doing if you do all these things, why don't you just do it?
- Tell Kids: Think of it, you guys are in control
- Tell Kids: If you do your chores, homework, behave etc. Your parents will probably give you what you want.
OK as the kids get older this may not play out the way you want it but for the smaller kids, trust me it works.
Disciplining Strategy
OK since we can't beat our children senseless, we need to find a way that they will not only feel the pain but also get the point. This method has worked again 90% of the time in children or teens ages 10 - 18. By that time they are pretty much on their own and out of your hair.
Don't Discipline Them
No I'm not insane just honest. When I said don't discipline them I meant it. They should be disciplining themselves. We as parents have a difficult time finding a form of discipline that will hurt them, but they know exactly what will hurt them, so let them choose their form of punishment.
This is what you do:
Step 1
- Sit them down
- Explain in detail why you are feeling hurt, angry, disappointed etc. (NOTE: USE THE WORDS THAT YOU KNOW WILL AFFECT THEM IN THE HEART - YOU KNOW THE WORDS IF YOU KNOW YOUR CHILDREN)
- If it's a dangerous situation - let them know what kind of consequences would have happen. (PEOPLE DON'T SUGARCOAT THIS - BE EXPLICIT) Trust me. These kids have heard worse in school, tv or in the streets.
- Tell them to put themselves in your shows as parents
- Finally, tell them:
- OK now that I have spoken my peace, I'm not going to discipline you. You need to go to your room think about what I said and come back not only explaining to me why I feel they way I do but you need to come back and give me a form of punishment that is suitable to this offense. Please do not insult me by coming back with something that doesn't fit the crime. Think about it and I'll expect an answer shortly.
Parents. 9 out 10 this works. Here are the benefits.
- They won't hate us because we didn't punish them
- They will begin to understand why we feel the way we do
- They will be accountable for their actions
- Best of all - it relieves us from doing the dirty work
A win, win situation.
