We've all seen it happen. The sweet, beautiful, innocent cherub with the impossibly perfect pouty countenance asks ever so nicely for her mommy to buy her the dolly everyone knows she can't possibly live without. Then, we watch in dismay as her evil, wretched, clearly neglectful mother tells her, "no, you may not have the doll, you have fourteen hundred and sixty at home, and we're just here to get a quick jug of milk."
Chaos ensues. A sharp intake of breath followed by a stamped foot and a declaration from the cherub that she "shall never breathe again, until I get my dolly!" When she, naturally, draws breath anew she erupts into wails that surely would breach the most indefensible of tantrum proof walls...or so we think.
Her mother, horror of horrors, does not give in! What is this woman doing with children? The frantic beeping heard in the background is doubtless a crowd of villagers with pitchforks (or cell phones) speedily dialing child protective services to report this pathetic excuse for parenting. Seriously, why can this woman not control her children? Further, why will she not just give in? Give the girl her doll and problem solved, no?
Most of us, hopefully only before we became parents ourselves, having witnessed scenes like this play out in grocery stores, shopping malls, restaurants and the like have thought to our selves, my children will never behave like that. I would not deny my child something that is obviously so essential to her happiness. I will always have control over my children. They will behave in public, by God, or they will not be able to go out!
Why is it that we are so quick to assume we can do a better job with someone else's children? Why is it we are so quick to condemn fellow mothers because their children fail to live up to our adult standards of polite behavior? Who are we trying to kid? There is not a child alive who has not had melt downs like this. They may not be fun for us as parents, but they're a natural part of growing up for our kids; a rite of passage as it were.
What an adult would describe as mild disappointment, to a toddler it is the end of the world as she knows it. Children this age lack the self control to balance their emotions, and the ability to put them into perspective. Ergo, tantrums in the toy aisle. As parents, we can (and need to) teach our children other ways of expressing disappointment, anger, and chagrin, preferably without weeping and gnashing of teeth. It is necessary, then, as concerned moms and dads, to adhere as closely as possible to the Tantrum Commandments.
Commandment One: Never, or at least as close to never as an imperfect parent can feasibly get, give in. Giving in to whining, rolling about on the floor, screaming, fist pounding, or whatever creative form of recalcitrance your child invents, will only teach her to run roughshod over you.
Commandment Two: Determine an action on your behalf that will help your child to calm herself. This is not to suggest an attempt at rational conversation with a two year old performing unnatural contortions on the floor. Adult reasoning with a toddler (especially one in the throes of maniacal thrashing) does not a recipe for success make. You can however, try removing her from the situation, attempt to gain her attention and calm her with soothing words and a hug, or, if you are able based on your locale, allow her to sit apart from you until she calms down. Every child is different, and will need different cues and prods from you to recover from the dreaded tantrum. It is probably not best, however, to say loudly enough for others to hear, "what's your name, honey? Are you lost? Let me help you find your mommy." Also, it may not help the situation to glance about and yell, "Child for sale!"
Commandment Three: Pick your battles. Some days, we just want a peaceful trip through the grocery store. This is not wrong. Gone are the days, at least for the foreseeable future, when you had the luxury of a leisurely stroll through the market, idly wandering through each aisle and eventually purchasing everything on your well ordered list. Now, amidst the bedlam of chasing children, picking everything in sight back up off the floor, taking unwanted items back out of the cart, saying "no" umpteen times, and trying not to tear your hair out, you're lucky to escape with sanity in tact, much less the right foodstuffs. So really, if your child begs for a cookie, before you say no, imagine a quasi-peaceful shopping trip.
Commandment Four: Avoid, whenever possible, situations that are ripe for the tantrum picking. Try not to put your child in situations that are overwhelming or overstimulating for her. Sometimes retreat is the better part of victory.
Commandment Five: Forgive me in advance for getting a little fluffy here, but encourage your toddler to talk about her feelings when she is happy, sad, mad, etc. Also acknowledge her feelings as valid. The fact that she knows you recognize her plight, that you are willing to listen to her feelings, will help her to develop coping mechanisms that do not involve lifting her skirt over her face and screaming while hopping around in a circle on one foot.
These are fine ideas for dealing with your two year old (pat myself on the back...) but how do deal with the adult in the store who is acting like a two year old - shooting daggers at you with her eyes, huffing, maybe making a snide remark to her companion? Oh, and she has no kids. The best policy is just to ignore, and hope she gets fat. If, however, you feel this is not working, or your dander is up and you want to give a blistering set-down, refer to Commandment Three. This applies to adults as well. Pick your battles. Most of the time you can collect your children and leave the scene of the crime. If this is not possible because you're, say, on an airplane, apologize once and return your attention to your child. Most people are more understanding than we realize; for every Miss Huffy Pants who thinks your kids are brats and you're just plain stupey, there's ten mamas who have been there, and will probably be there again.
Thankfully, kids grow out of the tantrum stage relatively quickly. And they'll get their com uppence when they give us grandchildren.
