When our children are young we notice their physical similarities to our own. But by the time they are teenagers their personalities draw more of our attention. Our children are mirrors by which we see ourselves. As parents we look into the eyes of our children and instantaneously travel back in time. “He has my eyes,” you say. “She has your smile.” Our children do resemble us physically but they are reflections of us in so many other ways. Some of those ways are good, loving, wonderful and admirable; others are not so desirable.
Being parents we think of ourselves as teaching our children. We don't often realize that they are our teachers as well as we are theirs. Through our children we are shown the path to our own souls. But we sometimes see our children with blind eyes. It is easy to accept their talents and positive attributes. We even tend to take credit for those traits we have passed down to our children. We hear fathers boast about their athletic children saying something like, “She gets her athletic ability from me,” or “He's got an arm like his old man.” Mothers may refer to their children in like manner making comments such as, “He's a straight A student just like I was,” or “She gets her singing voice from me.” We love associating ourselves with our children's positive attributes but we're not quite so eager to do so with the negative ones.
It's easy to accept a smart, talented and creative child. But children don't just have positive qualities; they have negative ones too, just like adults – just like their parents. No one is perfect. We all have character flaws. That is a part of human nature – one that we don't always like to admit. Even the most well meaning, kind, good-hearted, selfless people aren't perfect. Why then do many parents expect perfection from their children? I believe it is because we want our children to be the very best people they can be. We don't want them to make the same mistakes that we have made. Yes, that's right – we've made mistakes because we're not perfect and life is a learning experience for all of us. Often we don't want our kids to know that we've made mistakes because if we do we'll have to explain why we're punishing them for something we have done ourselves. This can make being a disciplinarian a little more complicated than most of us would like it to be.
It is more difficult to accept the negative aspects of our children's personalities because by doing so we have to face the negative aspects of our own personalities. We sometimes see behavior, attitudes or tendencies that we don't want to recognize. We block them out and close the door of our minds to them. But we do recognize some of those tendencies even if we refuse to admit it to ourselves on a conscious level. We recognize those same traits because they were and possibly still are a part of us before they were a part of our children. Yes, our children are a part of us and they don't always get just the good parts. It's not like we can sit down and make a list of what traits we want our children to inherit. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could? But it doesn't work that way. We can't say, “Hmmm, let's see now. I want my child to have my math skills but not my impatience. I'd like him or her to have my husband's sense of humor but not his tendency to overeat.” The child could end up being great at math, having a delightful sense of humor but being quite impatient and a little too indulgent. We can't pick and choose. (Well, with the rate of technology someday parents might be able to but that's a whole different article.)
Parents may not always realize that certain traits or behavior patterns that they have worked hard to overcome or are still struggling with also exist in their child. The realization may dawn suddenly for example, that the child has a short temper and is prone to angry outbursts. You look at the child during one such outburst and suddenly see yourself. That's when the light bulb turns on over your head and you realize it's like history repeating itself; you see yourself and your behavior that moment in the actions of your child. You suddenly realize that your child has the same anger issues that you yourself do. But that's not one of those attributes that you're willing to admit he or she got from you, right? You may have a child that is self-centered, lazy or defiant and you become upset by your child's actions or lack thereof, only to realize later that you are more upset with yourself than your child. You have come to see your own inner self through the mirror of your child.
Often parents may feel guilty for the negative behavior of their children. The parents may feel that they have failed their child in some way. For instance, a parent that lacked direction earlier in life may have difficulty dealing with a child that seems to be following the same path. Parents cannot continue to blame themselves for past mistakes. Although our children may inherit many of the traits of their parents, much behavior is learned. They are still unique individuals with the ability to grow and learn. They will make mistakes and they will learn valuable life lessons just as well all do. Through them we can learn to understand ourselves better than perhaps we could in any other way. They are the mirrors in which we see our strengths and weaknesses. By loving and accepting our children with unconditional love for the people they are we also learn to accept ourselves for the people we are. This is the place where true love and healing exist – on both sides of the mirror – in the human heart.
