Are You Leaving Me?

You wouldn't think that a two year old boy would understand the concept of divorce, of his parents splitting up, and one living in the house, and the other living across town.  But he did.  I wouldn't have thought, at the time, that my son understood that I would not be there in the house with his father, anymore.  But, he did.

As I was piling boxes, and suitcases into the back of my Sephia, Richard came running out to me with tears streaming down his little face, and asked me, "Are you Leaving Me?" I shook my head, and took him into my arms.  My soon to be ex husband at the time, Bradley, and I did not know what to say to our son about the break up of our marriage, so we stuck with the simplest thing.  That Mommy would be living in an apartment, and Daddy would live in the house, and he, Richard, would spend half his time with Mommy and half his time with Daddy.

As luck would have it, he was not satisfied with those answers.  Considering his tender age at the time his father and I began our divorce proceedings in June 2000, I kept my feelings towards his father, my building and lingering rage, resentment, and bitterness, in check, and did not give them vent.  In front of him, or anywhere where he could hear or see me fall apart.

His father, I assume, did the same.  At least I didn't hear any negative comments about myself from my son, until afte the divorce had already gone through.

The point is that your marriage is broken irretrievably anyway.  It's done.  You're getting a divorce.  One of you is moving out and the other one is keeping the house, the furniture, and at least half of the friends.  I didn't want to drag my son into the big sordid mess that my broken marriage had become.  The day I moved out, I hated my husband with the fire of a thousand suns.  That's why I moved out.  The break up is the end.  There is no revenge, no one upping, no divine retribution. Although I would not have objected to the Heavenly Father striking my now ex husband in the butt with a bolt of lightning. 

The first thing you need to do is recognize that your children live in your house and really do feel the tension and the feeling of ill will in the house, so when you do explain to them that you and your partner or spouse are no longer going to be living together, be straight with them. 

The second thing is that they don't need to know the details.  Let them talk about what they have heard going on in the house.  Letting your kids talk about their feelings during the discussion will help them feel safer about what is going to happen.  It's very traumatic for a child to have his parents divorce, and have to spend half his time with each of them, or not see the other parent at all, in some cases. 

Make it safe for your child to talk about their feelings.  Many parents use the child as a battle ground to fight over the break up of the marriage, but this is detrimental to the child's emotional health, and potentially fatal to the child's sense of trust.  Would you talk about your innermost feelings to someone who throws you under the bus by repeating your confidences to others? Heck No! 

Even if the child or children says something to you about what your ex partner said about you, don't say anything.  There might come a time in the divorce process where the child might start to play you and your ex spouse against each other. This is normal.  Try to redirect the child back to his feelings.  Chances are, he doesn't just blame one of you for breaking up, he blames both of you.  This might be a good time to find the child or children someone to talk to , as in a counselor.

Make sure your child understands that the break up of your marriage is NOT his fault.  You may assume that the child already knows this, but he doesn't.  I am a child of divorced parents myself. They divorced when I was seven and my sister was two and a half.  I remember being told, on a fairly regular basis as I grew older, and then eventually moved out of the house, to go to college, "someday you're going to find out the truth about our divorce and you are going to be really pissed".

How could I NOT feel that it was my fault, being told that? I did eventually find out the truth, and having been an adult with a fractured marriage at the time, I understood firsthand how things can go in a marriage, and didn't fault either of them for not wanting to be together anymore. 

I faulted them for not being straight with me.  I was very angry at both parents both before and after I found out what really happened because they could have saved me a lot of grief and doubt by just telling me the truth.  That they were tired of fighting all the time and finally couldn't stand to be in the same room together for five minutes at a time.  Ironically, that was the same reason my marriage broke up.

Be Mindful of Your timing.  Divorce is not something you bring up at Christimas, birthdays, Easter, or any other time occasions that are important to your child.

If you do decide to tell your child(ren) together about your divorce, it will be very important for you not to let your ill feelings towards each other show.  Let the discussion be about your kids and how it will affect them.  He/she/they will have many questions.  Who will I live with? Will I see Mommy or Daddy again?  When will I see Mommy or Daddy again?

Keeping the discussion to the subjects that most impact your child(ren), answering their questions truthfully but tactfully, and reassuring them that you are always going to be there for them, is the best way to keep your child balanced through the difficult times that lay ahead.