Remembering a time in which I was saddest was an extremely difficult task. I did not know whether to write about the time where my great Nana passed, when my aunts used my Nana to get drugs, or the time I found out my older cousin scarred my much younger cousin into doing something horrifying. I found all these events completely for family only. Instead I decided to write about a very personal relationship with one that I love, my dad.
When people look at spoiled little girls they refer to them as "daddy"s girls'. Well for me that's clearly not the case. For my situation, "mommy"s girl' is more appropriate. Sure, it used to be me and my dad all the time. I still remember the times I used to sit on his lap while I ate dinner when my mom was at work.
Sadly, all those good days came to an end ever since I can clearly remember. From a young age, probably around the time I was 6 I can not remember a good father- daughter moment in my life. By then, I had a little sister and day after day I would watch my dad give her all the attention and time he had giving me all the money out of his pocket. Now most people would look at me and say that at least he supports me, but I would give all the money he gives me in a heartbeat just for some attention.
He always calls my sister his little girl and tells her how proud of her he is. None of these things really bothered me until the day I heard my dad say the words “that's my baby”. I have never been so hurt in my life and I guess you can say that this was the day my dad and I were not father and daughter anymore.
Ever since that day I have felt abandoned and I often found myself crying to sleep at night. I soon realized just how comforted I felt in my room. It had then become my best friend. I needed to get out of my house so, by the time I had turned 7 I was on the U of A Hillenbrand's swim team, I was at a new school, and my mom had gotten me a puppy. Life was so good, but I still felt an emptiness inside me. I strived for the best in everything I did, even chores at home. I did everything I could to have the male figure in my life say that he was proud of me and call me his daughter.
I participated in a program called GATE and that soon turned into honors classes, and soon to AP classes. Ever since I was in elementary school to now I have gotten straight A's, kept up in my sports, and in 3 weeks I will be leaving for an ambassador's trip to Europe. It's been 10 years now and the one man I wish to have a great relationship with is still not always there. He is always getting on my case about working harder and harder. I have done all I can, but somehow it only seems to satisfy my mom and the rest of my family, never the one person I wish it would.
Ever since I can remember I have walked around school helping friends when in need and with a smile on my face acting as if nothing was wrong. The thing that hurts the worst and the one thing that gets harder to do each day as I grow up is hearing people say, “your so lucky. Your life is perfect” and all I can do is stand there, nod my head, and think, “you have no idea”.
In 10 years I've seen him at about 2 school events, 5 swim meets, and 1 ambassadors meeting. I know that I should resent him for it and sometimes I do, but I never show it. I still hope to have the father who will one day watch me graduate, walk me down the aisle, and hopefully be there for other big events in my life.
Unfortunately for now, all I have is the comfort of my room, my dog, my money, and my friends. They are the biggest support system that I could have and it's a little sad. I have never allowed people to see or hear the pain I go through. In 10 years I have let in one person, Kya. She has seen first hand how alone I am in my own home. She has seen me slave away and never even got a smile. The relationship I have with him is still the same; I ask for money, he gives it to me and complains, then finds something to yell at me about later. It is pretty much a daily routine. If I am lucky he will go all day without speaking a word to me.
Even though it is not the relationship I want with him it's what I have. I still walk around everywhere I go and pretend like nothings wrong waiting for those words, “that's my daughter. I'm so proud of you”.
Today, I sit before you, my friends, my classmates, my teacher showing you the real relationship between the man who fathered me and myself.
