I've been working in youth corrections to some extent or another since 2001 and have worked with teenagers from just about any part of the country and with just about any problem imaginable. It's very rare for an adolescent to display a deviant behavior that I have not yet seen or dealt with. And although I am not a parent myself, I've picked up some useful habits and methods that I find to be effective in my work as a youth counselor. I've seen a lot of parents struggle with their kids who seem to be running down the proverbial gauntlet of potential life problems and I think that parents and future parents could use a few pointers. Be the Adult
What does this mean exactly? It means that kids are kids and they act like kids and parents should act like parents, not kids. When parents fight with their kids, the kids rarely play by the rules and are constantly trying to change the subject and put the adults on the spot. For example, a teenager may call his/her parents names and make false accusations. It's hard not to get caught up into this emotional power struggle, but these are moments when adults need to be just that, adults.
Hold Them Accountable
Parents often feel the need to protect their kids and rescue them when they get into trouble; this is a very natural parent response. To me it shows that parents really do love their kids and that they want the best for them. But the truth is, parents are not doing their kids any favors when they rescue them. For example, if a kid gets a bad grade in school, the parent is often contacting the school or the teacher, looking for a way for their child to get out of a bad grade. When parents rescue their kids, they remove consequences and enable bad behaviors. Parents may think they are doing a good thing by rescuing their kids but ultimately they are teaching their kids that there are no consequences and therefore it does not matter what they do. If your kid gets a bad grade, allow them to get that bad grade and hold them accountable. If your kid gets busted for drugs, allow them endure the full brunt of that consequence and allow them to learn from their mistakes.
You are Not a Perfect Parent, Nobody is, So Don't Try to be One
I've learned that as a staff, I'm going to make mistakes, and if I carry myself as though I don't ever make mistakes, the kids are going to nail me when I do. If I refuse to own my mistakes, I will lose the kids respect and will lose the power of influence. I have learned that if I make a mistake and I am adult enough to admit it, the kids will respect me more and I will have greater influence. Many parents have the attitude that they are the adult, they are the parent and they are always right, no matter what. This approach may have been sufficient in the fifties, but kids these days have a lot more power even though they have no idea what to do with it. Don't be afraid to admit you made a mistake and say you are sorry, your kids will respect you and love you more.
Give Positive Reinforcement
Your teenagers are going to have problems are you are going to fight with them. Expect it, it's more then likely to happen. But that's ok; teenagers are at a very tough age, not quite children, not quite adults. They are figuring things out, think about how you were at their age. When kids have these problems, the parent/child relationship often becomes strained. Before you know it, the only time that the parent and child communicate is when they fight. Please, do not let this become your relationship. When your child does well at school, tell them so, when they help out at home, say thank you and good job. Tell your kids that you're proud of them, tell them you love them; this type of communication builds bridges, fighting burns them.
Don't Be in a Hurry to Have Them Grow Up
Adolescent years are a time where people are in this awful limbo between child and adult. We often tend to treat them more like adults then children. They talk like adults, they often act like adults and they look like adults, but teenagers are not adults and it's important to keep that in mind. We have this tendency to get after teenagers when they act childish, telling them to grow up. Well, they are, but at their own pace. The human brain is not fully developed until about the age of 25, teenagers particularly lack brain development in the areas of judgment. If it seems like they make really dumb decisions, it's probably because they are and are not capable of making good and proper decisions. This is why they have parents, teach them what they should do, help them make good decisions.
Be a Teacher
Yeah your kids go to school but there are some things that kids need to hear about and learn from their parents. I grew up with conservative parents who didn't ever educate me about sex because it was awkward. So instead I was left to go out and figure it out on my own, hear about it from my peers. I agree what it would have been awkward for my conservative parents to talk to me about sex, but that is outweighed by how important it is. This goes with any other thing in life, no matter how simple or seemingly insignificant. Teach them about sex, drugs and alcohol. Don't just expect them to figure stuff out on their own, if they do a lousy job when they clean, it's probably because nobody has ever really taught them how to really do it well. As adults we tend to think that these things are simple and our kids should just be able to pick things up on their own, but my experience has really shown me otherwise. Be teachers, starting when they are young.
Communicate
This is one of the most important things you can do. Talk to your kids about anything and everything. Make small talk, chit chat, joke around with them, make sure that you know them as well as you can. When you know your kids, you'll be able to know right away when something is wrong. If you and your kid are used to talking and communicating often, it will be easier for you to approach them when they are having problems and hopefully they will feel comfortable coming to you when they need someone to talk to about their problems. Talk to them about the rules and your expectations as a parent.
Accept Them for Who They Are
One of the most important things to a teenager is his/her identity; it's one of the most important things to them. Many psychologists agree that this stage in life is centered on finding identity; this is where they gain a sense of belonging. While your kids look for and obtain their own sense of identity, they may come home looking in ways that you might think are stupid or scary. I will even admit that when I walk through the mall or see the kids at work, I think that many of them sure look stupid with the ways they dress or do their hair or whatever. But I have no doubt that when I was that age, adults thought the same thing about me, which is fine because at that stage, my identity was everything and I worked very hard to maintain it. The funniest part about it is that each teenager thinks they are totally unique when they all look and act alike. It's still important for us to accept them and make them feel loved even if they come home looking like freaks. I do think it's important for parents to set limits in this area, but things like coloring hair or wearing strange clothes is relatively harmless.
Help Them Develop Skills
I've known too many kids in trouble that literally have little skill in areas other then criminal behavior. I have known kids who have been very good at free basing drugs, breaking into cars and houses, shop lifting, spray painting and the like but have no idea how to play sports, fix things, play instruments, etc. At times I have been truly amazed at how many kids really don't know how to do anything other then be criminals. Too many of them are just not good at doing anything that is well, good. People naturally develop ways of dealing with stress and problems, these are called coping skills. There are positive coping skills and negative coping skills. With positive coping skills, we deal with our stress, we feel better and at the same time accomplish something positive. This may include reading, writing, exercising, playing an instrument, etc. A negative coping skill is what I call solving a problem with a problem, which always create more problems. Almost all of these are destructive, either to us or to other people. They may include fighting, vandalism, self-harm and most commonly substance abuse and self medication. People self medicate because it provides an escape of sorts but ultimately creates more problems. I think it's sad that many teenagers are taught this behavior at a young age, they learn to self medicate and abuse substances. When they feel stress, they don't have a positive way to cope because they have never learned any other outlet, they lack the skills. When kids are young, help them learn to read or draw or play sports so that they can find outlets other then substance abuse and criminal behavior.
The Iron Fist is Outdated, Change Your Approach
Once again, this isn't the fifties folks. Back then you make your kids respect you by beating slapping them, they appreciated that. It was just a time when you could make your kids respect you. Times have changed however, rigid rules and hard line consequences just doesn't seem to work anymore. Think of your kids as a dog, imagine the dog spending it's entire life on a short chain, the dog can see the outside world, other yards, the street, etc. One day the chain breaks and the dog is free, what happens? You'll be lucky to see him again, that's what happens. I'm not saying discipline is a bad thing, expect a lot from your kids, but meet those expectations with a high response. What this means is be involved and be willing to compromise. If you expect your kid to sit down and do hours of homework, sit down and help them with it. If your kid wants to be out past curfew because he/she is going to something special, consider it and be willing to compromise. Run your house like a democracy not a dictatorship. Your kids will really appreciate it and you will have a better relationship.
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