You awake to a glorious spring like day, in which the birds are chirping and singing their many songs and the vast array of flowers paint a beautiful portrait for you.
After having your first cup of coffee and shaking your head to become fully cognizant that it is the beginning of another day, you remember the first thing on your list of “things to do today”, is to purchase a toilet seat.
A smirk and a smile distinguishes your expression when you associate the humor that accompanies that purchase.
Then your facial expression changes to one of extreme seriousness when you realize how crucial your decision will be.
There are many types of toilet seats available:
- Oval
- Solid
- Elongated
- Different heights or thicknesses
- Texture.
The first thing you positively must do is make sure that your selection has a hole in it.
A good friend of mine made the misguided selection of having a completely solid seat where the hole should be located, and he and his wife spent one full day cleaning up ( what do I say here without being offensive, ah-ha, I've got it!!) fecal matter.
The next thing you must do is select a seat which covers the entire porcelin rim of the bowl ,which is very cold, or it will introduce a profound depression of vital processes otherwise known as shock into the individual who is sitting on your selection. That shock can be quite severe, as momentarily the body of the victim is seeking seclusion.
(This seclusion factor would obviously exclude the individual that is opinionated to the extent that they feel that his/her creation has the odor of sweet smelling pine. )
The height of your selection is also very important, especially to those who have aged.
This reminds me of a story about a toilet seat that my dad had which I want to share with you.
He had a blessed life until he was 86, at which time he passed onto the better.
He also had a toilet seat that resembled an oval accordion which would adjust to proper height by maneuvering a handle back and forth.
One fateful day the handle failed to pump the “accordion”
up to the proper height that my dad was accustomed to and
he knew that at the height of the failed seat was one he simply couldn't use.
In fact the handle and air interjection had failed so miserably that the seat failed to budge from the lowest height.
He also had an urgent call of nature. So once again the necessity to clean the bathroom presented itself.
“The stuff” decorated all parts of the bathroom. I am told that it even dangled from the chandelier.
(O.K. let's call a “spade a spade”, my mother was a good woman with a warm heart, but she was a lousy interior decorator. Or giving her benefit of the doubt, perhaps she had poor eyesight and misjudged the bathroom for the dining room .)
The most important factor that surrounds a toilet seat is up or down.
I should also like to share another story with you.
We have a two story house of which the second has two bathrooms.
One bathroom is hers while the other belongs to yours truly, so the toilet seat remains down in the first and up in the second.
On this particular night I was brushing my teeth in her bathroom
just before I went to bed, and I was hit with a “call to nature”.
I used her bathroom fixtures to relieve this “call to nature”.
Unfortunately, I forgot and left the toilet seat up.
In the middle of the night she had a “call” and used her bathroom.
Many times urgency requires that she not turn on the bathroom light, which was the case that night.
Well, I only find solace in knowing that she is a good swimmer, because she fell in !!
I assured her that the fixture had been highly disinfected, but that failed to calm her hostility.
Returning to our purchase, we discover that the only topic we haven't covered is texture or softness. In that 50% of the population is male and I am a male, I can assure you that 50% of the people could care less about its softness.
